10 things buyers hate (according to a Feng Shui master)

O venerable readers, you are about to be enlightened on all matters Feng Shui, for I myself am a Feng Shui Master. You can tell by my flowing, cornerless face, and my habit of expending plenty of Feng (wind), while retaining a little too much Shui (water).

So now allow me to reveal The Top Ten Things That Home-Buyers Hate, According To Feng Shui Principles, although ten is an unlucky Feng Shui number, so I am cutting the list back to a much more auspicious and revered eight.

1. The Lay-out

Imagine that life-energy, or “Chi”, is water flowing freely through your home – if you cannot imagine this, spray a garden hose through your front door and see where all the water goes. If a home is cluttered or ill-maintained, the flow of chi will be obstructed and wind up in the back-corner of the laundry room beside the steam-mop from Godfreys that you never used. In this instance, you must knock down all walls, doorways and ceilings until the house becomes expansive and welcoming, like a vast empty meadow with a door and a TV. Alternatively you could just put vases of flowers here and there to pretty the place up. Both work.

2. Bedrooms

Truly, nothing is more repugnant than the bedroom where the bed is positioned incorrectly – if it is against a wall, or facing a door, or upside down with legs poking up, half-hanging out a second-floor window. The bed must always be placed in a “commanding position”, diagonally from the door, then place mirrors on the walls to promote a harmonious flow of nourishing and healing energy. And mirrors on the ceiling to create an amusing Hotel California vibe.

Whatever you do, make sure your bed is in the correct position. Photo: Trinette Reed Photography

3. Corridors

O honourable home-seller, be mindful that sharp wall angles – which are called “poisoned arrows” – can cause wary buyers to flee from the house, as they symbolise misfortune, ill-health, bloodshed and unexpected death. But if you can’t do anything about it, I suppose you just have to leave them there.

4. Work Spaces

Be it known that the work-desk facing away from the door will stifle productivity, as the worker may fear that an enemy is sneaking up behind them to stab them in the back. For this reason, desks should always face the door so the worker feels peaceful and protected. Hiding the desk behind a two-metre panel of ballistic steel may help too.

5. Kitchen

Heed the Seven Winds of Filth, for they scatter through the house, imprisoning stagnant negative energy (Si Chi) on kitchen appliances and cabinets. Therefore, the kitchen should be transformed into a Resplendent Altar Of Virtuous Purity by scrubbing every surface with highly-corrosive carcinogenic chemical cleaners.

Be sure to scrub every surface with highly-corrosive carcinogenic chemical cleaners. Photo: Trinette Reed Photography

6. Smells

As it is written: where objectionable odours fester and emanate, there shall be weeping and hair-rending amongst prospective buyers of residential real estate. Thus, one should burn natural Chinese oils such as cedarwood, star anise, and patchouli until your house smells majestic and vibrational, like the sweaty unitards of a circus busker from Byron Bay.

7. Colours

According to Feng Shui wisdom, the drably-painted abode is a dungeon of everlasting grief where ghosts walk amongst the living – and this may be a turn-off for some people. So let your home burst forth with vital colour by filling it with sensuous Fire-Elements and earthy Wood-Elements (however do not put these elements too close together or you’ll need to douse them quickly with aqua Water-Elements).

8. Garden

An unloved garden is like a vermillion turtle crouching low inside the swallow’s nest – no need to explain, it’s pretty obvious. Broad-leaved vegetation and bamboos will allow healthy chi-energy to breathe out like the wind, twisting and winding to form an exalted terrain, resembling ten-thousand coiled serpents descending from heaven. If that’s your thing. It’s not for everyone.