It's OK to check how much your friends' houses are worth in a completely innocent non-competitive unsnoopy way

You’re not a shallow, competitive, materialistic person, no way! You just wanted to know how much your house was worth, that’s all – just in case you ever wanted to sell, or you wanted to mention it at a party when you introduced yourself to strangers. So one night you sat down at the computer, went on one of those property-value estimation websites, typed in your home address … and there it was! A rough estimate-range of your home’s value – not as high as you hoped but clearly the property bubble had popped. Probably because of Brexit. Yeah, that’s what it was. Brexit.

So then you thought, “Well, I’m glad I know the value of my house, in case I ever sell, or go to a party.” Then you switched off the computer, went straight to bed, got back out of bed, switched the computer back on, and checked to see if your house had increased in value in the last five minutes. It hadn’t. Bloody Brexit.

Then you thought to yourself, “Well … I’m here at the computer … I’m sitting down … I might as well check what someone else’s house is worth, just out of curiosity, in a completely innocent non-competitive unsnoopy way.” So you typed in your neighbour’s address … and up popped the exact same estimate-range as your house. But you knew in your heart that their house was at the bottom end of the range, while yours was way up the top, because your house was definitely better, you had a bigger tree on your nature strip.

Then you thought, “Okay, all done, time for bed,” so you stood up to leave, and immediately sat back down again and typed in your sibling’s home address. The sibling you always hated: the one who was your parent’s favourite and got the nice bedroom with the carpet, and a door.

Hmm, turns out your sibling’s house was worth a lot more than your house, which was kind of irritating, but then again, they did have a lot of work stresses in their life, and their relationship seemed to be on the rocks, so in a crazy sense, your house was worth the same as their house if you took into account their appalling work-life balance and generally unhappy existence. That made you feel better. A lot better.

Over the next two hours you checked the property value of pretty much everyone you knew, whether they owned or rented, lived in a house or an apartment, you didn’t care, you just wanted to beat them. You checked the addresses of your parents, more siblings, other neighbours, your nearest dearest friends who you are pathologically jealous of. You checked on work colleagues, distant relatives, ex-lovers who you wished nothing but dismal long-term property growth on. And when someone’s home was worth less than yours, you gloated a bit – not cruel gloating, constructive gloating – and you even pondered sending them an email link to the website to share this fascinating news.

And when someone’s home was worth more than yours, you thought, “Well, it could be a mistake. Maybe I should try a different property-value website that gives me more pleasing results.” And so you sat there into the night, changing websites and checking addresses: more neighbours, more ex-lovers, people from high school, a third cousin twice removed, the clarinet teacher who once taught your kid, your own home another 22 times, and even Government House.

Danny Katz is a newspaper columnist, a Modern Guru, and the author of the Little Lunch books for kids, now a new TV series on ABC3.