Real estate TV shows that should definitely exist

As you will know if you’ve turned a television on sometime in the past five years, reality – ahem, “factual entertainment” – shows are now the mainstay of free-to-air programming. 

At the top of the factual entertainment mountain, the twin gods of reality television rule with an iron TV guide: cooking shows, and property shows.

Property shows inevitably fall into one of a handful of categories: the “benevolent surprise renovation” show, the “competitive renovation” show, and the “tell ’em they’re dreaming” renovation show, in which we gather to watch as a person, couple or family’s dream home becomes a nightmare project. 

Inevitably, one can develop a sense of extreme deja vu while watching any of these shows (except perhaps Grand Designs, which at least isn’t presented with all the visual flair of a crazy sale ad, as some of its Australian relatives are), since they’re all more or less about the exact same thing.

So, since property-themed programming shows no sign of dropping off the slates of network television any time soon, here are a few suggestions of shows we’d like to see developed, just to add variety to the reality television landscape. 

Inspection Session

Teams of rental tenants compete to clean their houses and disguise the fact that an additional tenant is subletting the spare room in time for a snap inspection. Things get really tense when one contestant realises they’ve forgotten to hang coats in front of the wall to disguise the fact they’ve installed picture hooks without permission. 

Share House Madness

This wacky hidden camera show will detail the hilarious ins and outs of life in a five-bedroom share house in Melbourne’s northern suburbs: How long will the dishwasher go un-emptied? Who will finally crack and buy toilet paper in bulk? Where did that one weird portrait of a crying child come from? Hosted by Hotdogs (of Big Brother 2005 “fame”). 

Garage Sale Of The Century

In this fast-paced contest, teams face a variety of challenges on their path to garage sale glory. In the first round, they must survive the inevitable argument of whether or not to sell the embroidered Marilyn Monroe cushion that Aunty Bev made for Christmas. In the second round, contestants have to navigate an obstacle course of early callers asking whether or not they can look inside the house. And in the heart-stopping final round, the teams have to decide just how many items to give, free of charge, to their friends who drop by. If the teams make any more than $37 when their garage sale time is up, they’re disqualified.

Where’s That Smell? 

Using only their wits, blindfolded contestants have to locate the source of a weird smell in a series of escalating challenges: is it coming from the crisper, or the cheese compartment? Is it the washing basket, or the floor drainage? Is it vase water, or poisoned rats in the wall cavity? 

Unfinished Business

A camera crew visits the homes of architects, designers and builders, whose houses are in a perpetual state of disrepair/mid-renovation. It’s not a comedy. 

Flat-Chat 

In a race against the clock and their own rapidly crumbling sanity, five teams have to put together a flat-packed shelving unit before their friends come over for dinner. In a bonus round, team leaders will compete to find the golden Allen key hidden at the bottom of the “bits and pieces” drawer in the kitchen.  

The Feature Wall

Each week, a couple must fight to decide exactly what colour they’re going to paint the feature wall at their loft apartment. Follow the thrills and spills as we track their journey, from “holding paint chips against the wall and arguing about which colour better suits the lounge suite” all the way to “accidentally spilling paint on the floorboards but not realising until it’s dried”.