A guide to being a pretentious pseudo-intellectual poser

Original art is the hottest trend in home decoration, but buying quality art can be a confusing and expensive task. That’s where we may be able to help, here at Total Eclipse of the Art (formerly Take Another Little Piece Off My Art Now Baby!).

In our online catalogue, you will find literally dozens (24 in all) affordable, stylish pieces that will infuse your home with charm, reflect your own personal tastes, and most importantly, make your friends and relatives think you’re the pretentious pseudo-intellectual poser you always wanted them to think you are!

So browse away to your art’s content, and we mean that from the bottom of our art!

Reflections I. This acrylic abstract painting uses a pale blue palette, with large pale blue shapes juxtaposed against smaller pale blue shapes, highlighted with pale blue brushstrokes. At five metres x six metres, it is perfect as a bold statement piece, or as a sturdy prepainted load-bearing wall. The larger Reflections II (20 metres x 24 metres) would be ideal for residential aircraft-hangar-living or as noise-reduction panels on urban freeways.

Did You Eat My Cupcake, You Cheeky L’il Sprite? (2003). The mischievous face of a small child, his mouth smeared in chocolate, is perfectly captured by contemporary watercolourist Katie McMellons, who has charted her son’s journey from childhood to adolescence in The Cheeky Li’l Sprite series. Also available is the playful Did You Nick 20 Bucks From My Purse, You Cheeky Li’l Sprite? (2007), and the enchanting Should I Visit Next Sunday Between 2 and 3pm Because You Are In Juvy For Armed Robbery of a  Petrol Station, You Cheeky L’il Sprite? (2015).

Wujal Wujal Dreaming. Are you in the market for beautiful traditional aboriginal art? This stunning dot-bark-painting evokes the spirits of Dreamtime stories, and was painted by an art collective of elders (the Thursday Morning Dot-Painting Club at the Beaumaris Gardens Premium Retirement Residence). The work was created by club president Glenda Walmsley-Hulls and her team of Dotty Dotters, and the tree bark was gathered from local parklands by Neville Walmsley-Hulls and his Sunday Morning Nature Hikers.

ShhhhhArt. This delightful set of modern art prints is an adorable addition to your baby’s nursery, featuring amusing pastel-toned geometric shapes. Is it a wobbly bubble? A pudgy fish? A pig’s genitalia? Each print has a famous quote of affection written across the bottom, infringing no copyright laws: “Love Will Keep Us Togevva”, “Luv Is All Yoo Neeeeeed” and “I Love You to the Moon and also All the Way Back From There”.

Ebony Goddess. Neo-expressionist painter Derek Mehgroub specialises in the naked female form, exploring the nature of objectified beauty, and the perception of human intimacy in a non-linear state of spatial reality. This female figure is bent over a pool table, wearing a cowgirl bra-top, with nipples clearly visible. Oil on canvas, loose brushwork, painted with left hand only.

Magnolia Through a Bathroom Window. Elegant and timeless, these meticulously detailed limited-edition monochromatic prints from photographer Israel Hortense were shot through the window of a bathroom during a five-hour bout of crippling constipation. Hortense can also produce customised magnolia photographs to a client’s brief: simply provide your desired print size, a frame design, and a 673-gram tub of Metamucil Fibre Supplement (orange flavour).

CATALOGUE NOTE: All artworks are claimable as a tax deduction if you pretend your home is the foyer of an office. Also, if you require a picture-hanging service, we recommend our good friends at How Do You Mend a Broken Art? (formerly Don’t Break My Art, My Achy Breaky Art).

Danny Katz is a columnist with The Age.