A psychologist’s guide to choosing a great flatmate

If you have ever had a bad flatmate experience put up your hand. Mine is raised high in the air – just that old chestnut, you know, of being stalked in my own home. I can laugh about it now but at the time, it wasn’t funny.

To help you avoid this fate and protect yourself legally we spoke to principal psychologist at the Counselling and Wellbeing Centre QLD, Christine Bagley-Jones, and Policy and Liaison Officer with the Tenants Union of Victoria, James Bennett.

“We live together with family and that’s hard enough — we expect to live with strangers without problems. You’ve got to assume there’s going to be glitches that need ironing out,” says Bagley-Jones, who has more than 20 years of counselling and conflict resolution experience. 

Know what are you looking for and spell it out

Bagley-Jones suggests the flatmate culling process start with a well-written advertisement.

“Stipulate what you are looking for but not in the typical words people no longer listen to, or hear all the time. You need to talk about the ethics, value systems or norms the household takes for granted – and be explicit,” says Bagley-Jones.

“Like, ‘we are a household that’s very much about the environment and recycling’, or ‘a household that is very committed to respecting one another’s privacy’ – perhaps it is a very social household or a student house where people respect making noise.”

Clearly someone who loves long showers will most likely bypass the environmentally inclined home or a quiet person the social household; if there is honesty and clarity in the ad then you are more likely to attract like-minded flatmates.

“It’s a bit like branding your household,” says Bagley-Jones. “What are the philosophies and rules the people in this household live by?” 

Make your meeting count

Next step is to arrange a meeting and make sure everyone in the household meets the candidates.

“So often you hear that not everyone could be there when the potential housemates were coming and later on you discover they never would have picked that person,” says Bagely-Jones.

Her other sage piece of advice: share a meal or drink with them. “It’s amazing how dining or sharing a drink with someone is such a good indicator of how they operate. You can note things like people’s etiquette, their manners, and see if it suits where you are at. I’m not saying that you are looking for someone who has manners but you are looking for someone who has a similar way of sharing a drink or meal.”

Obviously it is not possible to meet everyone, but if you have a good phone conversation and get a good feeling, make the effort.

“People baulk at the idea – ‘what if I have 15 people, it’s too time consuming’ – maybe it’s just a coffee but the ones you really like invite them back for a meal. It’s well worth the investment and you shouldn’t underestimate the impact a household has on your wellbeing.” 

How to ask questions like a pro

The trick is to ask open-ended questions and obtain their point view on things before you share too much about your expectations and what you are looking for. That way you won’t skew their answers.

• Ask general questions about their life – Include their work, interests and plans for the future. This will help you gain a greater understanding of who they are.
• Ask their views on the big things – Include topics like cleaning, paying bills, parties and friends staying over.
• Propose real-life scenarios and ask for their response – This will help you see how they manage conflict and problem solving, as well as how they conduct themselves generally. For example, what is their response if the sink is mysteriously piled up with dishes? Is it “no problem I’ll just do them,” or “they aren’t my dishes and they shouldn’t be there in the first place”? What about an unexpectedly high electricity bill? Ask how they would manage payment if they didn’t have the money, or what they would do if they believed they hadn’t contributed to the increase.

“Pay a lot of attention to their communication style and their ability to express themselves. Little things like a person’s sense of humour… It’s nice to live with someone you can share a laugh with or at least be on the same page with,” says Bagley-Jones.

“Do you get a nice vibe? I mean not everyone has to be charismatic. You wouldn’t want a household full of bubbly people. That would be exhausting, but you want someone who won’t drag you down.”

And don’t forget to check references. Always ask for someone you can ring who has previously lived with the candidate. Don’t rely on written references.

Desirable flatmate traits

Key traits people seek in a good arrangement:

• Openness
• Diplomacy (ability to communicate in a non-offensive way)
• Good communication (ability to express themselves and to listen to others)
• Decent sense of fairness and equity
• Kindness
• Honesty

“While we are not looking for everyone to be Gandhi we definitely want to make sure they share a similar outlook to the rest of the house,” says Bagley-Jones.

“That’s why it is so important, once you’ve learnt about the person, you share explicitly what the house rules and key dos and don’ts are, and then ask them if they are truly happy with that situation.” 

What to do when things go wrong 

Seeking the help of a third party if a problem cannot be resolved could be the way to go. Bagley-Jones suggests booking a one-off session with a counsellor.

“If things get too tense, everyone should chip in and see a counsellor or mediator for one session. This way someone can objectively and professionally give their opinion on how to resolve the problem,” she says.

“For a small amount of money you can learn how to manage the situation and outsource the final decision. It may be something small like someone is eating all the food in the fridge and everyone is really pissed off about it – just send the counsellor a brief prior and check they have the skills to manage it.” 

As Bennett explains, the Tenants Union of Victoria, as in most other states, cannot give advice in shared household disputes as many situations are not covered by tenancy law. Instead, Bennett suggests contacting your local community legal centre, which you can find through the National Association of Community Legal Centres.

Ways to stop things going wrong 

1. Hold regular house meetings – All share houses should have some kind of regular meeting no matter how informal, recommends Bagley-Jones. That way if something does need to be addressed it won’t seem out of place if you organise a meeting, nor will it become a bigger deal than it needs to be. 

2. Set a plan for bills and rent – From the outset, you should have a clear agreement as to how you will divide the bills and rent. 

3. Make an agreement about notice periods – The notice period given between co-tenants is not covered by tenancy law and so Bennett suggests stipulating a mutually agreeable notice period at the beginning of the arrangement. This should cover both tenants who choose to leave and those who are being asked to leave. 

Your lease agreement options

It’s important to research the different lease options when flat sharing and consider what will best suit your interests.

“It may not be clear which arrangement will apply to you and issues may arise if you move into an established ‘share house’,” says Bennett. “It should also be noted that the Residential Tenancies Act 1997 does not cover the rights and responsibilities of co-tenants in relation to each other, and it does not regulate license agreements.”

With this in mind Bennett has outlined the basic lease agreements and what you need to know.

1. Co-tenancy: All tenants have equal rights and liabilities. This is the most common shared house arrangement and is created when two or more tenants are named on the lease. A co-tenancy does not end until the tenants leave the premises, so if your name is still on the lease after you move out, you will be held liable. The lease can be transferred over to a new co-tenant.
2. Sub-tenancy: Where one tenant sublets from another tenant. The ‘head tenant’ may sublet a room or the whole property to another tenant for a period less than the duration of their lease. These arrangements are covered by the Residential Act. The head tenant is liable for the property and holds the same responsibilities as the landlord towards their sub-tenant. A property cannot be sublet without the landlord’s written permission.
3. Licence: There are no tenancy rights. If you move into an existing share house you may be regarded as a licensee. To be a tenant you must have ‘exclusive possession’ of all or part of the premises. If you move in with a landlord, for example, you are assumed to be a licensee. Your local tenants union can help you determine which arrangement applies to your situation.

Head to our Ultimate Renters’ Guide for advice on finding rental properties, lease agreement options, renters’ rights, tenancy resources and how to terminate your lease.