Coronavirus: Who needs toilet paper anyway? Here are some alternatives

OK, so someone’s hoarding all the loo paper, thanks to coronavirus panic. And it’s not you.

But what do you do when that final roll is used up? Well, you could always cut up small squares of newsprint, clip them together with a bulldog clip, and hung them on a nail in the outhouse.

The NT News in Darwin clearly thinks this was a good idea.

Last week the newspaper printed eight blank pages in the middle of the paper, so they could be used for just this purpose. They weren’t entirely blank; they had tiny maps of Australia printed all over the pages, just like a fancy toilet paper. They even added cut lines.

Want some other tips to be more sustainable? Listen to Somewhere Else:

In the interests of helping out, here are some tried-and-true toilet paper alternatives:

Bidets and shower toilets 

By far and away the best alternative is the bidet, a French invention. A bidet washes your private parts, so you have no need for paper. You can just towel yourself dry.

There are fancier versions that will blow you dry, which sounds even better. For example, the shower toilet.

No, it’s not a toilet in the shower. It’s a special toilet that has an extendable wand (or arm) that comes out at the touch of a button to squirt you with a jet of warm, clean water. Most models have remote controls and some have a blast of warm air to dry you off.

If you have stayed in a smart hotel in Asia, you will most likely have had the opportunity to experience this yourself – Japanese manufacturer Toto has been making “washlets” since 1980. They just haven’t been called shower toilets.

They are not cheap, but you can get conversions for your own toilet. The better ones are expensive. Englefield sells a bidet seat that can be retrofitted for around $1100. But you need to check your loo is compatible.

The Tabo 

The Tabo (pronouned Tah-boh) is a Filipino invention that’s essentially a small plastic scoop – traditionally it was made from coconut and bamboo. Other Asian countries have similar tools called “dippers”.

It has a handle and there’s usually a bucket of water on hand to help with the cleaning. You can pour water over your bottom till you are satisfied it is clean. A little soap doesn’t go amiss either.

There are several Youtube videos showing how you use the Tabo. Suking Tindahan has tabos for $3. Hello Kitty versions are also available online.

Reusable fabric toilet wipes 

Handmade Australian Textiles does a very attractive line of fabric toilet “paper”. These are soft squares that can be washed, just as you would wash fabric nappies.

The company says each roll is made up of twenty squares made from “a gorgeous printed material to pretty up your bathroom”, with a terry towel backing, or you can choose to have microfibre backing instead of the towelling.

“Each square has a plastic press stud at each end making it easy to use and easy to roll back up after each wash.”

With press studs, a roll is $48, and without press studs $45.

The lota 

With its elegant handle and spout this little vessel resembles a teapot. Traditionally made from polished brass or copper, the lota now also comes in plastic and is used in Asian and Muslim-majority countries, such as Indonesia and Pakistan.

It is used while seated or squatting – the lota is held so it points towards your rear to clean your private parts as water is poured from the spout.

Ebay retails a beige plastic lota or water jug for $20.42, but there are cheaper ones around $7.

The gompf stick 

The gompf stick is a very basic cleaning method that dates back to the Middle Ages. The stick would sit in a pail in the bathroom and, to put it bluntly, the gompf would be used to scrape off the stubborn bits. Sometimes, a sponge would be attached, or it would be splayed at one end to improve functionality.

Bushman’s friend 

People have always used whatever is at hand to do the job well. This includes sponges and sheep’s wool, and of course certain leaves.

Anybody who has done any serious bush tramping knows the “bushman’s friend” – leaves. Our early settlers were known to use rangiora leaves as toilet paper and also to write messages. Māori used the leaves as an antiseptic poultice.

Maybe we need to all plant a few rangiora (Brachyglottis repanda) shrubs, just in case.

But to keep everything in perspective, the United Nations says there are still approximately 4.2 billion people living in households without a toilet – let alone toilet paper. Each year November 19 is World Toilet Day, which is held to raise awareness of their plight.

This article originally appeared on stuff.co.nz