All the great things about living in an all-wood weatherboard house

Something was in my mailbox — a small sample of fake-wood plastic with a sticker that said “Vinyl weatherboard cladding. Never paint again. Maintenance-Free. Won’t rot, peel, dent, or split!” And I thought, “Pfff, who would ever clad their house in vinyl?” So I threw the sample into the greens bin.

Then I remembered it was fake wood, so I took it out and threw it in the recyclable bin. Then I wondered if vinyl was recyclable, so I took it out and threw it in general rubbish. I struggle with bins. It’s hard.

But that vinyl cladding sample really got into my head. It made me wonder: why would anyone want to re-clad a beautiful authentic all-wood weatherboard house? I mean, that’s why we choose to live in them: because they’re quaint and natural and imbued with old-world charm.

There are so many great things about living in an all-wood weatherboard house. For one, the structure is very flexible – literally. The walls expand in the heat and contract in the cold, so it’s like living inside an enormous emphysemic lung. In the hot months, you get a whole extra bedroom and a family entertainment haven. Then in winter, you have to cook in the bathroom. You never get bored in a weatherboard.

So much to love about weatherboard houses! Like how the weatherboards are made from thin pieces of cheap timber – so you can put your finger through them if they get a bit wet, or damp, or even if someone breathes directly on them and condensation forms. Sometimes on rainy days I go outside and poke my finger through the living room wall and do a little finger-puppet show for everyone inside. You can’t do that with a brick house. You’ll break a nail.

Sorry, but I’m going to keep waxing lyrical about all-wood weatherboard houses – just try and stop me! I also love how the boards are always falling off or disintegrating, and then gusts of air come through the gaps and you have to wear an anorak when you watch TV.

You also get to live symbiotically with all the wildlife that crawl in through the gaps: cute possums, delightful rats, enchanting infestations of nesting termites. I enjoy listening to them munching inside the bedroom wall-space directly behind my head. Very soothing at night.

You know what? I don’t think there’s a single bad thing about living in an all-wood weatherboard house, nothing. Okay, maybe one teeny thing. They need a bit of maintenance now and then – but hardly ever, just once in a blue moon, like every second Wednesday.

And it’s easy: just a bit of patching, a bit of nailing, a bit of four-metre-high scaffold-erecting-and-dismantling – you’re done in about two weeks, just in time to start again.

And of course, they need a bit of painting too, to protect the weatherboards. Enough coats of paint, so the weatherboards are not wood anymore. They’re actually thick layers of wood-textured acrylic. Kind of like that vinyl cladding sample. Hey, how about that.