Don’t try to tell me the noble top sheet is pointless

Along with landline phones and bar soap, top sheets are allegedly an endangered species.

While I haven’t lived in a house with a landline since about 2011, top sheets are a different matter entirely. They separate us from our Doona covers, and from the animals. Top sheets are a marker of good hygiene practises and of self-respect, and I won’t see them so unfairly maligned.

They’re also a topic of discussion that crops up every year or so, presumably because we’re so eager to be distracted from the climate crisis. Top sheets have been disrespected in GQ, House Beautiful, and Real Simple, as well as across social media.

Perhaps the most pressing concern when it comes to the anti-top sheet lobby is one of cleanliness.

I change my sheets every week and wash my Doona cover every other month. Are people who reject the top sheet changing their Doona covers weekly? It’s the worst and most annoying part of the job, so I have my doubts. Doona covers take forever to dry, and getting the inner back in is a trial.

Half the reason to use a top sheet is to prevent direct contact between you and the Doona cover, so it needs less washing. I’m not confident that those who go without are dealing with the consequences of their actions.

And there are consequences, though you may not know about them right away. According to US laundry powder brand Tide, 70 per cent of what makes our clothes and sheets dirty is invisible. You can’t necessarily see sweat, leftover moisturiser, dead skin and bodily fluids, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there.

A common complaint is that the top sheet is an agent of chaos, wrapping itself around the sleeper or ending up at the bottom of the bed. In GQ, Maggie Lange complains that the “top sheet is so frequently coiling off to the side, or skulking at the bottom, or plunging off the bed altogether”. What are Lange and those like her doing in their sleep?

Top sheets can easily be pulled back up if they’re disrupted by any non-sleep bed activity, and in fact, they’re particularly necessary when sharing a bed.

If you and your partner prefer to sleep at different temperatures and there’s just one bulky, inflexible layer on the bed, what’s your move? A top sheet means you can push the Doona back and not be completely uncovered.

The thing is, we’re all going to make our beds according to our own preferences. What feels most correct and comfortable is a matter of what you’re used to. My bed-making habits are those I grew up with. Friends from the UK tell me top sheets are almost unheard of there. So make your bed exactly how you want to, but don’t try and tell me the noble top sheet is pointless.