Six reasons why having backyard chooks isn't all it's cracked up to be

It’s morning. You know this because the rooster is crowing.

Your tastebuds make it apparent that you really want eggs for breakfast. So, you slip outside and collect the fresh eggs from the coop; they’re still warm, and you experience a little thrill to be gathering produce from your garden. You give the chooks a pat of thanks on your way back inside.

It sounds blissful, doesn’t it?

Hear about Mark’s life in a tiny house on Somewhere Else: 

Keeping backyard chickens is a current trend. Author Fiona Scott-Norman and photographer Ilana Rose have even pulled together a compilation of just how popular the birds are in their new book, This Chicken Life: Stories of chickens and the Australians who love them.

In the book, they speak of chickens’ therapeutic nature, permaculture benefits and the delicious breakfast food they prepare for us each day.

And look, there is something to be said for the sustainability benefits of having chooks. You know the creatures have been treated well (always say “no” to cage eggs), and the eggs’ travel miles are as low as you can get.

But the romantic aspect of having chickens clucking around your yard? Well, I’m sorry to say that the reality is somewhat different from what you might imagine.

1. Chooks are really disgusting

The first piece of reality you need to know about chickens is that they’re actually gross.

They eat all day, so at about every second step they need to, um, relieve themselves. Look, I’ll just come out and say it: chooks literally poo EVERYWHERE.

I’ll admit that, when we first got chickens, we loved the sight of them dotted around the backyard. This delight soon wore off when I couldn’t take my toddlers outside – young children spend enough time being gross with their own bodily fluids, without having them crawl in chicken poo as well.

Also, they smell. (The chooks, not the children.)

2. They want to get inside your house

It’s a lovely day, and we want to fling the doors wide open and let in the fresh air.

We can’t, however, because if we do? The chickens push their way in. Try as you might, it’s hard to keep them outside: ours would push through fences and gates and make themselves at home in the house.

This seems funny and cute. Chooks wandering around your house: how adorable! But you don’t want them in your home. Why? Well, see the point above.

3. Roosters don’t just crow when the sun comes up

If you’re in the suburbs, chances are you won’t add a rooster to your flock. But if you live in an outer area, you might be tempted to do this.

Be warned: they don’t just crow at sunrise. Our rooster crows from 4am every day. All day.

4. The cost-benefit doesn’t always work

We have quite a few chickens – obviously not my choice; my husband loves them – and I can’t help but point out to him at times that the dollars don’t seem to add up.

Feeding chickens costs money. (So does the coop and feed containers and the purchasing of the creatures in the first place.) And I’m pretty sure that, instead of forking out $50 for food that will last a few weeks at most, we could have just bought some lovely free-range eggs from local farmers.

5. And besides, you’ll buy eggs anyway

Newsflash: chooks don’t lay all year ‘round. They go on strike when it’s too hot, too cold, when they get clucky, and whenever else they randomly choose.

In which case, you have to buy eggs. This is very annoying.

6. They’ll also hurt you

My final point is that they’re quite hostile pets. Not all people have this experience – the child of one friend gets through much of the day carrying a chook under their arm – but, of all the dozens of chooks we’ve kept, we haven’t had luck in making them friendly.

Instead, they either run away or peck our feet when we go near them.

Yes, chickens are a current trend that provide beautiful, still-warm eggs for your breakfast. They also peck, poo all over the place (inside and out), they’re loud, they cost money and often can’t be bothered laying eggs. Oh, and they affect your ability to use your own backyard.

But sure, having chooks is just as lovely as everyone says.