How to declutter your home when your partner doesn't want to

So, you’ve taken the autumnal weather as an opportunity to get on the decluttering bandwagon and spark some joy.

But what if there’s an impediment, in the form of a partner or family member who is less keen on clearing out your unwanted stuff?

This is how you can work out a compromise.

Work together

Professional organiser Jo Carmichael says it’s important to differentiate between the “clutterblind” – family members who struggle to keep their things tidy, or have too many possessions – and hoarding as a mental health issue, which requires professional treatment.

“I have worked with many people who are clutterblind,” she says, explaining that the key is to work together on the family space.

“I really think that’s the best way, you work as a team on it. No finger-pointing and no stamping your foot, it really needs quite a lot of patience.

“Not everyone is good at being tidy and organised – we need to be gentle about it, and lead by example.”

Often the best starting point, she says, is clearing a space to put their bag, wallet, or any other valuables they need every day.

“When that is done, move into the bedroom,” she says. “If it’s your partner, you’ll definitely want to start in the bedroom. Work out where their things are, and your things are.”

Professional organiser Rachael Wald agrees.

“If you share an office, it’s a matter of sitting down and saying this is a shared space,” Wald says. “It’s about coming up with liveable compromises.”

Neutral territory

If it’s a parent or senior member of the house who is resisting the tidy-up, it’s often better to start in a shared space such as the kitchen.

“If you are the daughter-in-law, and you are doing your mother-in-law’s bedroom, it’s a bit more of a challenge anyway,” Carmichael says.

Focus on the positive outcomes

For family members who are stressed by frequently misplacing items, Carmichael says, the decluttering process can offer a solution.

“They are going to get something positive out of it, they just won’t see it when you suggest it,” she says. “The less clutter, the more you can enjoy your home.”

Carmichael says having an organised space is better for our general health and well-being, and makes our homes much more liveable, which is a good point of motivation.

Wald agrees, saying the goal is to avoid extra stress, not create further friction in the cleaning process.

“Also the concept of recycling and donating  generally works with people, rather than throwing it away,” she says, explaining it feels like a more useful outcome.

The “maybe” pile

If the prospect of throwing everything out at once is a bit too much, setting aside some possessions to deal with later can work – as long as there’s a time limit.

“You really do have to keep asking them – do you love this, will you use it any more?” Carmichael says. “Put it somewhere like a shelf or in a box for them to think about. Come around to it after two weeks.”

She says it’s important to get their permission to throw the items out if they are unwanted, or forgotten about.

“I think a time limit is good, even write on the Post-it note the date, because who remembers two weeks?”

She says this goal-driven method of creating a deadline is the easiest way to help the clutterblind let go of things, especially if there isn’t an impending move to work towards as a goal.

Wald also says it is vital to keep a lid on what could stick around for consideration.

“You do have that maybe pile but if the maybe pile gets bigger than the other piles, you’re not really achieving much,” she says.

What about collectors?

For collectors, Carmichael says there will need to be a conversation about how to celebrate and preserve their prized possessions, while also limiting what they can keep.

“There’s a point where you have to say, maybe you have to stop,” Carmichael says.

She says defining a specific space to house the collection – and limiting it to that area – is beneficial. If other family members felt like they didn’t have much and were happy to share their allotted space, that was also OK, but there had to be a limit.

“It really depends on what they’re collecting,” says Wald, saying that especially when it comes to downsizers, a certain amount would just need to be let go.

“When it comes to downsizing, you can’t squash a four-bedroom house into a two-bedroom unit,” she says. “It’s about being realistic and honest. And offside storage – it’s another layer or stress, and a financial burden.”