How to get over your ex

“May I offer you some clichés?”

That’s what a funny friend of mine always asks after the demise of a romance, and it never fails to give me a chuckle.

Because while there may be plenty more fish in the sea, and you were too good for them anyway (you could do sooooo much better) there’s no denying breaking up is bloody hard to do.

“A break-up is so painful, especially if you’re the one being broken up with,” Craig Parker, the principal psychologist at Melbourne’s Evolve Psychology says.

“It hurts our soul.”

In many cases, a break-up can mirror the feelings of grief, Parker says. Or perhaps feel like someone’s punched you hard in the heart.

“Sometimes that initial stage is the hardest, and that’s where the floor’s fallen out from under them, because something they thought was going to be forever is no longer there,” he says.

Parker, who for years worked as a telephone counsellor for MensLine Australia, says while men may sometimes appear to be coping after a break-up, perhaps even moving on to a new relationship quickly, the reality is often quite different.

“I think sometimes it affects guys much more than women, because women typically will have a much greater support network and will talk to their friends about it.

Whereas guys, especially if they’re a bit more old-school, they’re not willing to talk about it,” he says.

“So they keep it all inside, and it can take them a lot longer to get over it.”

So is a shorter relationship easier to get over than something long term? Surprisingly not.

“People sometimes feel like after a whirlwind three-week relationship that they can’t let it go because it was so intense. I’d say the intensity is something that has a huge impact on how important that relationship was to you,” Parker says.

He says if you’re on the receiving end, the first stage of a break-up is usually shock.

“It can be very hard to register that it is happening; things like denial and bargaining are very common. They can all happen in the space of a minute, or in the space of six months.”

Then comes the blame game, which can be destructive if it lingers. You’ll probably also want to hide in your bedroom for a bit – but there will be a point where it helps to have supportive people around you.

As you struggle to make sense of it all, you might find yourself stalking your ex on Facebook, or just going the old method of drinking too much and trying to find a more temporary kind of love.

“That is a common strategy, but it’s probably not something I’d recommend,” Parker says.

“What people who do that usually report is that they feel better in the moment because they get a boost to their self-esteem but it doesn’t take away all the other feelings that they’re having.”

As for the social media stalking, he says it really is best to try and take a complete break from your former flame, at least for a while.

“One of the big pitfalls with a break-up is trying to remain friends, especially if one person doesn’t feel like the relationship should be over.”

Parker suggests being patient, and realise this may take a while to get over. In the early stages, a little distraction can help to dull the pain, so throw yourself into your work, your friends or family or another healthy pursuit.

Exercise can also make you feel a little happier.

He says it’s also important to be kind to yourself, and realise the break-up isn’t solely about anything you did.

“Some people take it all on and say, ‘it’s because of me, I caused this’, and then so they just focus on themselves and what they did wrong, without kind of acknowledging that when a relationship doesn’t work, it doesn’t work because two people couldn’t make it work.”

If there are kids in the mix, Parker says it’s important to make them your priority, and resist bagging your former partner in front of them.

And if you think this pain is going to last forever, don’t despair.

Usually, like the cliche goes, time works its old magic. However if it doesn’t, having a chat with a psychologist, counsellor or a trusted friend might help you along that path.

“When a break-up first happens it feels like this this feeling’s never going to end,” Parker says.

“But little by little things change and all of a sudden you’ve gone days at a time without really thinking about it.”