IKEA's sleep podcast is a nightmare for those longing for 40 winks

Ever wanted to drift peacefully to sleep while visions of pale wood side tables dance in your head? You might think IKEA’s new sleep podcast would help with that, but you’d be wrong.

The podcast – which features two mild-mannered Swedes reading the furniture giant’s 2019 catalogue – was touted in a press release as a way to help people “doze off and enjoy the extra hour of sleep” as daylight saving draws to a close.

The press release lied.

First, a caveat: I’m a terrible sleeper. I work shifts at a high-stress job, frequently have my best ideas at 1am, and share a bed with an elderly fox terrier who chases rabbits in her dreams.

None of this is conducive to a solid 40 winks. But hey, I’d tried herbal tea, whale songs, guided meditations and a wide array of prescription medication in a bid to get some shut-eye. Maybe listening to a never-ending list of furniture products would lull my over-active brain into submission.

There are two versions of the podcast – one narrated by Sara Eriksson and one by her husband, Kent. Both are long-time IKEA employees.

I chose Sara’s version because of feminism. Men already talk 25 per cent more than women in meetings and are more likely to interrupt women than they are their male colleagues. Giving Sara – no doubt a strong, independent Swedish woman – her uninterrupted 25 minutes and 45 seconds to shine seemed the least I could do. (By contrast, Kent’s version is 27 minutes and 33 seconds – proving my point about talking more right there, buddy.)

“IKEA understands that sleep is important to living a better everyday life,” Sara told me at the top of the podcast. “As experts in life at home, we want to inspire Australians to create an ideal and healthy sleep environment so they can feel refreshed and recharged to get ready for the day ahead.”

Next came a short explanation of IKEA product names – bathroom products are named after lakes and bodies of water, while textiles are named after flowers and plants. Visions of water lapping at a pebbled shore and lavender swaying in the breeze? OK, Sara, now you’re talking.

Finally we launched into the (Swedish) meat(balls) of the podcast: the list of products and their descriptions, starting in the bedroom. “Askvoll. Bed frame. Lampan. Table lamp.” On and on Sara went, naming queen quilt cover sets, pocket-sprung mattresses, bedside tables, pillows and throws.

As we covered off storage (trays, hangers, clothes cupboards, laundry bags, chests of four or six or three drawers) and moved into the bathroom, Sara’s descriptions began to give me a panicky feeling. It was familiar. It was the feeling of being stuck in an IKEA mega-store, somewhere between the vases and the place mats, longing to be outside but knowing there was only one exit, and that exit was half an hour’s walk away.

It was like being surrounded by Scandinavian bath towels and mirrors and rugs and not needing any of it but feeling like I should buy something, anything, because I’d frittered away half a day on this IKEA trip and I better have something to show for it.

It was, I imagine, the way Marie Kondo feels when she walks into a hoarder’s house at the start of an episode and comes face-to-face with piles of superfluous junk. I was hemmed in by hanging cupboards. Surrounded by soap dispensers. Tormented by toothbrush holders.

“I hope you’re asleep already, or at least relaxed enough to nod off soon,” Sara told me at the end of the podcast. With my mind crammed full of homewares? Not a chance.

Click here to listen to IKEA’s stress-inducing podcast.

*This article was originally published on Stuff.co.nz