Moving to the eastern suburbs of Sydney? Here’s what you’ll have to do to fit in

The eastern suburbs of Sydney are inarguably Australia at its best. World-class beaches, stately homes, tree-lined streets and populated by people that are annoyingly beautiful. Which is why my friend Kate is packing her bags in Leichhardt and setting up house in Bellevue Hill.

Kate, a Legal Aid lawyer, sold her four-bedroom Leichhardt house for a snip under $2 million. That kind of money is barely carport territory in Bellevue Hill, so she had no choice but to take out an eye-bleeding mortgage for something with the same number of bedrooms, but costing twice the price.

If you’re thinking of following in Kate’s footsteps, and heading to the east, here are eight things you’ll need to change to fit in.

Your car

In the inner west, a post-2016 Mazda CX5 is considered ostentatious. But in the east, we’re talking a Bentley, Porsche 911, Ferrari, Lambo, McLaren, Aston Martin, or preferably all six depreciating in a garage the size of Belgium. There’s little denying that eastern suburbs people love their automobiles; even the Rose Bay coppers get around in a top-shelf BMW i8 plug-in hybrid patrol car.

Your appearance

People who live in the east like to look young and beautiful, even when they are 82. Take a stroll around Double Bay or Bondi, and you’ll assume you’re in the middle of an en masse modelling shoot. Even the local garbos are hot (they have their own calendar) and have been known to get a spray tan before starting their shift. All this beauty can become a tad overwhelming, especially if you have a head like a robber’s dog. Thankfully, there is always plastic surgery. And, you are definitely in the right place for that.

Your wardrobe

Eastern suburbs people really know how to dress. It’s not unusual to see a woman wearing a vintage pink Chanel suit just to go down to Chargrill Charlie’s. If you’re from the inner west, especially Newtown, you’re probably used to wearing a drop-crotch hemp tracksuit in some ghastly shade of olive. This won’t go down well if you up stumps to Vaucluse. Our best advice is to take your entire wardrobe to Vinnies.

Your school

The first question anyone in the east asks is, what school did you go to? The second question is, what school do your kids attend? This is not such a big deal in the inner west where high schools teach things like basket weaving and Green politics, but in the east you’re going to want to make an impression. Choose a school that at the very least has an Olympic-sized swimming pool and polo field.

Your job

Coming from the inner west – where you probably work as a coffee roaster, social worker, or in some boring middle management position – you are going to have to forge a new career when you head eastward. Everyone knows there are only six acceptable jobs in the eastern suburbs: society hairdresser, artisan florist, PR princess, corporate lawyer, real estate agent, and CEO of a company worth more than $100 million.

Your sport

So, you’ve spent your life in the inner west playing soccer? Too bad. You’re in the east now and this means you’ll be either sailing or playing rugby. End of story.

Your dog

Time to get rid of the mangy rescue greyhound, and embrace the pedigree poodle and chihuahua. Eastern suburbs people like to trick their dogs up with diamantes or have them trimmed to look like a topiary hedge.

Your surf skills

If you come from the landlocked inner west, you may not realise that there’s a bloody big ocean at the edge of Australia. And, where this ocean crashes into the eastern suburbs it has created some of the best beaches in NSW. You’ll really need to get surf-wise and learn to identify a rip, and the latest fashion in swimwear. If you’re lucky, you may even get rescued by one of the hunky lifeguards at Bondi.