Nath Valvo: Shopping in store or online? Why can't we have both?

Nerd talk! We’re now getting flogged GST with online purchases and some people are really banging on about it. Breakfast TV hosts are having many heated (and boring) discussions on the issue – but does it have to be one or the other?

I love and hate both.

I’m a big fan of the online shop. Purchasing shiny new things without human interaction? Sign me up! Problem is – you can’t touch or examine the product (this is also
an issue using Tinder).

I ordered a chair online recently (not from Tinder) and didn’t read the measurements properly. It arrived five days later in a very small box. A very small box for a very small chair.

Ridiculously small. Totes embarrassing.

I’ve had to lie to visitors saying it’s a chair for my 4-year-old nephew, which I definitely purchased on purpose. Most online stores offer refunds if you post something back, but everybody knows that’s never going to happen. Too much effort.

However, retail stores – no risks. Big tick.

But the stores themselves can be full on. I can’t help but feel they’re going through a mid-life crisis, trying way too hard to be cool.

Remember when your dad tried to be funny driving you and your mates to the blue light disco? OMG Dad, stop talking.

Those gigantic, mega cheap clothing stores freak me out. White floors, white walls and blinding lights. Am I buying a T-shirt or getting my moles checked? There’s always a lone, faceless, silver mannequin wearing nothing but a watch staring into the abyss.

They say it’s minimal. It’s fashion. It’s Melbourne. I say it hurts my eyes.

I popped into a store recently that had a DJ playing. A real-life human DJ. I just wanted some new shoes, not live bangers. Was I suppose to start dancing? “I’m sorry Mr DJ,
I don’t have any song requests, but do you have these kicks in a size 8?”

People having jobs is a good thing, so I do my best to go to retail stores when I can. But snapping up purchases in my Uggs in my lounge room is also a good thing.

So when it comes to the online versus retail store dilemma – as the little girl in the Mexican taco ad says, “Why not both?”

• Comedian Nath Valvo is touring Australia this year with his new stand-up show Show Pony, and plays Sydney on August 25. He writes fortnightly for Domain Review.