New Year's resolutions you'll make for your home, but will break on day one

New Year’s resolutions typically involve health and fitness, but if you already have that area of your life nailed down (or have decided it doesn’t exist), direct attention to your home.

There are many benefits to making resolutions for your home. For example, a home does not need to get up at 5am for boot camp. A home does not need to deprive itself of New Year’s drinks because it made a loud promise that it was “going dry” for January. A home is more likely to stick to its resolutions … well, the jury may be out on that one.

So, here are the resolutions you can make for your abode, if you haven’t already broken them.

1. No more DIY

You love the shows, you love the process, you love the reveal, but this year? This year is going to be DIY-free. No built-in shelves, no sanding down cupboards you found at The Smith Family, no polishing up old floorboards, no re-tiling the shower, no herb garden. Why? Because it always ends in tears.

This year you will save it all for the professionals. “You know I could do that in a pinch,” says your partner one night after too much wine in January. “Those taps in the bathroom are easy to replace.”

And before you know it, you’re bumping heads – literally – covered in plaster and your own sweat, remodelling the entire bathroom. The only way to cope is to fix your attention on the outdoor wood-fired oven.

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2. The wood-fired oven

Photo: The Melbourne Brick Company

Look, everyone is doing it. It’s practically the new barbecue. And it’s not just for pizzas – you can put anything in there and it will turn out amazing.

And so begins your descent into the hottest hell as you attempt to construct what can only be described as a medieval monument to the god of massive inconvenience, while your kids stand around laughing and chiding you for ever telling them that pizza was a thing that could be made at home.

3. Actually using your time-saving appliances

Photo: Kitchenaid

The coffee machine. The bread maker. The waffle iron. The $400 automated mixer in Millennial pink you swore would change your life. And let’s not even mention the bamix. Well, this year you’re going to use all of them. At once!

Starting tomorrow, you’re making coffee and waffles and baking bread and churning vegetable juice like the inventive – and health-conscious – foodie you know you are.

That is until you wake up as tired as you were when you went to bed, and before you can say “kale smoothie with avocado toast” you’re out the door, and waiting in line at your favourite cafe. So? You’re pouring your money back into local businesses – this is actually an act of altruism!

4. No more “checking out the market”

Photo: iStock

You’re so happy with your house, it’s everything you wanted – well, it was at the time. It’s just that a mate at work said the market is about to heat up again, and you’d always dreamed of a slightly bigger backyard.

No, no – no more hopping on just to see what’s out there. You got a great deal, and it’s time to settle in and stay. No more daydreaming in front of your computer at work, while you click on a three-bedroom “masterpiece” in an upwardly mobile suburb.

But, oh look, here you are reading this. Better luck next year!

5. More dinner parties

Photo: iStock

You finally finished renovations, so what are you waiting for? It’s time to deck the halls with tea lights and fill the tub with ice. 2018 is going to be year of the dinner party! 

A chance to finally catch up with all the friends you haven’t seen since everyone had their babies. Speaking of babies, Mel has just cancelled because hers is sick. And Gary and Spencer forgot they double-booked so can’t make it either. Whatever! Skye is still coming – oh, she just texted! Big day at work, feeling rotten, can’t come. So that just leaves Cameron, who says he just scored a date so will have to postpone.

Actually, it’s all for the best. You just noticed that there’s a new documentary on sea creatures, which you always love to watch with a glass of wine or two. Where’s that Snuggie? 

Looks like 2018 is the year of cocooning.

6. Getting to know your neighbours

Sure, you’re on nodding terms, but have you read the statistics? We’re now more isolated than ever! And communities thrive when people realise it takes a village. 

So you venture on over to Neville’s house, he always seemed like a top bloke. Oh, Neville’s not answering the door. Hang on, sitting in front of the TV! So much for a top bloke – he’s ignoring your knocking! Wait. Is Neville … naked? Forget it – this was a terrible idea.