'No laughing out loud after 11pm': One man's strange rules for a new housemate

Everyone wants the perfect flatmate, but not many people would go to the same lengths as Pete Williams.

Williams has posted a listing on Facebook for a new flatmate, and he has some conditions – rather a lot, in fact.

He calls them “a few simple rules”, and you may need to abide by them if you want to join Williams and two other “amazing flatmates” in the four-bedroom, two-bathroom house in Meadowbank.

Williams said that while it is a “tongue-in-cheek” post, there is an element of truth in what he writes. (Just look at that clean kitchen.)

“I have run a couple of other advertisements for flatmates and they have all been tongue-in-cheek, but I’ve ended up getting a happy, funny, balanced flatmate,” he says.

“For my last advertisement I said, ‘if you have been to prison and have two DUIs, then you’re the flatmate for me’. My most recent flatmate is off to Hong Kong, and she came through on that ad, so I know it works.”

And what’s the worst habit a flatmate has had? “Leaving poop on the seat, cutting their nails on the kitchen and then not picking it up.”

Williams has had a couple of enquiries already. And let’s face it; it’s unlikely anyone without a good sense of humour is going to apply. Certainly not some of the readers who have replied to the post online. Which is fine, because Pete won’t want them.

So, here are the rules according to Pete:

On timing 

“I need you to be out of the flat on week days during normal working hours (9-5) because I work from home 5 days a week and I need the place to myself. If you have a proper job, this shouldn’t be a problem. Students who go to university on random days for a few hours or stay at home all day long and chill out unfortunately can’t live here.

“I’m not fussy about the weekends, I just want to know you have somewhere to be Monday to Friday from the morning till late afternoon.”

On noise levels 

My new flatmate has to be a quiet and considerate person. Which means you should use door handles rather than push the doors to slam, and try to behave quietly, especially when it’s late or early in the morning, so as not to disturb others.

“I’m not looking for a ‘bull-in-a-china-shop’ kind of flatmate, I don’t want you to be always running around, throwing things around. And I expect your guests to act respectably when here. Both me and the other flatmate are quiet and rather gentle people.”

On phone calls 

“I used to have this flatmate who was on Skype for 2-3 hours every day (5 hours on weekends). I won’t have that. This is a quiet building in general, and I usually read or watch something in the evenings, and the other flatmate has to study. So I don’t want to hear noise coming from your room all the time.

“It doesn’t matter if you talk on Skype/phone ‘quietly’ (or so you think). I won’t tell you for how long you’re allowed to talk a day, it’s nonsense, if you need to call someone just do it. But you should know if you use the phone a lot every day or you don’t. People who don’t don’t cause me problems.

“As soon as someone starts interpreting my words to suit themselves, the problems begin.”

On laughter 

“If you’re laughing out loud after 11pm or sleep with the radio on – still the same thing. Basically, I’d like you to use common sense. You’re living with other people, who want to be able to rest and to sleep, and do whatever else they need to do after a long, noisy day.”

On socialising with other flatmates 

“This isn’t a very sociable house. We don’t do parties and we don’t have time to cook together or watch TV together, mainly because people always have different schedules and they’re busy.

“But I expect my flatmates to be friendly towards each other, which means that sneaking around behind each other’s backs is NOT fine. This is a home, not a hotel, there are no strangers here.”

On how you spend your time 

“If you spend all your free time hanging around the house, streaming TV shows and talking on the phone for hours, we’re not gonna like each other.

“When I’m not working in my part-time job, my life revolves around my laptop when I work at home because I’m a very busy person. But I don’t want my new flatmate to assume that just because I spend so much time here, it’s OK for them to do the same.”

On bowel movements 

“If you have to run to the toilet 15 times a day or every 15 minutes, don’t move in here. If you say you don’t spend much time in the bathroom because you don’t take long showers, but then you sit on the toilet several times a day (like the flatmate who’s moving out), and only your morning bathroom runs take almost one hour in total, this definitely isn’t a place for you.

“If all you eat is canned beans and cooked lentils and drink beer, you’re not my kind of flatmate. I need someone a little more sophisticated here.”

On cooking 

“There’s no cooking in this flat before 8.30am and after 11pm. Occasionally I will allow it, and you can also make some porridge or use the microwave. But anything that requires pots and pans and a lot of washing-up afterwards is not allowed, and if it smells so much that it wakes everybody else up – it’s also not OK.

“I don’t like people spending a lot of time cooking in general. If you ONLY eat cooked/fried meals because you don’t know how to make a sandwich, and you hang around the kitchen for hours a day (and I do mean HOURS) or spend every weekend preparing elaborate meals and baking, etc, this isn’t a place for you.”

On cleaning 

“I don’t want to point out that the toilet needs to be flushed every time, the bathtub needs to be rinsed of hair, and the dirty dishes need to be washed sooner rather than later. I won’t tolerate dishes lying in the sink for 2 days.’

On guests 

“I don’t want to constantly see your friends hanging around the flat. If you have guests 3 times a week, it’s too much.

“Sometimes you may have a guest coming over for the weekend or a few days – that’s fine as long as it’s not every month, although it also depends on what kind of flatmate you are and who your friends are. But there are gazillions of places where you can socialise, and the flat is for the flatmates.

“Boyfriends and girlfriends are OK as long as they’re not sleeping here 3-4 times a week because that means that half the time we’d have a 5th person living with us, and in that case they should be paying the rent like everyone else. If you must see your partner that often, you should live with them, not with us.”

On booze

“As for alcohol, drugs, and other such things, I don’t really want to see people here ‘under the influence’. Beer, wine etc in reasonable amounts are obviously fine; we’re all adults here, but apart from that I don’t want any crazy stuff here.”

On your new housemate 

“I’m quite easy-going.

“And if you got this far, you clearly have a sense of humour and we want you! Rent $300, move in costs bond and rent in advance is 3 weeks rent.”

• This article originally appeared on stuff.co.nz