In searching for the perfect restaurant - like his relationships - Nath Valvo has deal breakers

If food is your thing – you’re lucky you live in Melbourne. Every week there’s some new “it” place you simply must check out. But in searching for the perfect restaurant – like relationships – I have a few deal breakers.

Let’s start with the classic – ‘‘no bookings’’.  We all have that foodie friend who is well across the new hot spots.

This mate loves a group email, and will often decide where the group is eating. My issue is this friend is a lot more committed than the rest of us.

They’ll happily add their name to a “waiting list” and hang out in the gutter, outside the restaurant, until a table is ready.

No thanks, I’m not a dog. Why don’t they just take bookings? Why must they insist on making our night harder to enjoy?

Next up – deconstructed meals. No way.

Your order comes out with the food separated on the plate. You have to put the meal together yourself – it’s the IKEA of dining.

These joints are always very expensive, too. Do you pay more money for the chef to do less work?

Putting random bits of food in your mouth to create a meal isn’t “fancy” –it’s called being a uni student.

Next on my list – cook it yourself grills. I went to a Korean BBQ place recently.

The table had a little grill for us to cook our own meat. My mate Jemma said, “This is so fun. We can’t do this stuff at home!” Jemma, we all have kitchens, we absolutely can.

Tapas – you’re next!  Is tapas a Spanish word meaning “go home hungry”?

One meatball is not enough for 12 humans.

Everyone sits there politely pretending they don’t want the last potato. I’m convinced that’s why McDonald’s has gone 24-hour drive-through – to cater for people on their way home from tapas.

Even bill-splitting. Rebecca’s just downed 11 wines (she’s going through a break-up) and I’ve had two. Why are we paying the same amount?

Speaking of being a tight arse … Next – still or sparkling water? All waiters give you this option straight away. It guilt-trips you into ordering sparkling, so you look fancy.

And finally – the “Very Melbourne Restaurant Name.”

I have a little game for you to play; grab a pen, write down any random number, then a colour, then an animal. You’ve just named a new Melbourne eatery!

Sorry I’m grumpy. I’m hungry. Any ideas where I could eat?

• Comedian Nath Valvo is touring Australia this year with his stand-up show Show Pony, and plays Sydney in August.
• nathvalvo.com
• Instagram: @nathvalvo