Secrets and tips from the world’s fussiest sleeper

Remember the fairytale about the princess who was such a sensitive little thing that she could feel a pea through 20 mattresses and 20 featherbeds? That’s me.

I’ve been called the world’s fussiest sleeper, and for good reason: if I’m to get a bit of shut-eye, everything must be perfect. And I mean really perfect.

I’m such a princess, I can tell a 400 thread count from a 420 thread count with just a touch. I know instantly if someone is trying to flog me Egyptian cotton that’s actually from Andhra Pradesh. And don’t get me started on the Percale versus Pima argument.

At home, finding perfection is easy to control. I just buy the stuff I like. But when I stay in a hotel – even a swanky 5-star – it takes a little bit more work.

As the world’s fussiest sleeper, these are the products I swear by.

Blankets

Yes, I’m the guy you’ve seen dragging my own pillows, blankets (and occasionally sheet sets) through the hotel foyer and into the lift. My wife reckons it’s embarrassing, but I think it’s a small price to pay for a restful night.

The first thing I do when I get in the hotel room is remove the doona and replace it with my own St Albans mohair blanket.

St Albans was established in Melbourne in 1951 and soon earned a reputation for making the best mohair blankets in Australia. The Gough family bought the company in 1968 and have run it ever since for three generations. Why do I love mohair? Because it’s a natural fibre which breathes and provides the very best warmth without weight. And, unlike a doona, I don’t swelter beneath it like Hugh Bowman trying to make weight at Randwick.

Seriously, unless you live south of Hobart, I have no idea why anyone would need a doona in this country. The things were designed for places where the sun goes AWOL for six months of the year and people eat seal blubber with their Weetbix. Sleeping beneath a doona is like trying to get some kip in a sauna (another dopey Scandinavian idea, along with Ace of Base  and that god-awful Apple & Lingon soda from IKEA).

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Mohair provides the very best warmth without weight. Photo: St Albans

Pillows

The next thing that must be perfect is the pillow. This is where hotels really get it wrong. For some reason, most hotel pillows are like enormous white marshmallows. Why do hotels assume that we want to sleep with our heads on something the size of an elephant’s tampon? Are they sponsored by the National Chiropractic Society?

And don’t get me started on the so-called pillow menu; it just consists of big, bigger and bloody huge.

I always bring along my trusty ergonomic Tempur pillow. There’s nothing like a hefty chunk of viscoelastic foam to get you off to the land of nod. The material in my pillow was designed by NASA as a cushion for the seats in the Space Shuttle. Not many folks can say they have the brains of the world’s greatest geeks helping them get to sleep.

The trusty ergonomic Tempur pillow. Photo: Tempur

Sheets

Then there’s the sheets. To be honest, if you are staying in a five-star hotel (and why wouldn’t you be?) chances are you’re looking at 100 per cent cotton and a decent thread count.

A few years ago, I discovered Hotel Luxury Collection, an Australian company that sells the same sheets you get in five-star hotels from the Savoy to the Plaza. Their 800-thread count sateen Amalfi Range is extraordinary; easily the softest sheets I’ve ever slept on, and I’ve been known to take them along with me if I’m heading off to an Airbnb, or my mate’s farm.

By the way. On the off-chance you’re slumming it in a three-star establishment, always check the label at the bottom of the sheet. If it says the words poly-cotton blend, get out of there quicker than you can say sweat rash.

Hotel sheets at home. Photo: Hotel Luxury Collection

Mattress

Now we get to the mattress. This (along with your chosen brand of diazepam or vodka) is the building block to a good night’s sleep. I have never taken to carrying my mattress along to a hotel, however, this only because it won’t fit on the hatchback roof.

Recently I discovered King Living’s range of Sleep + mattresses. Designed right here in Australia, they are arguably the most luxurious available anywhere on the planet. And, being fully customisable, you can dial in the firmness, softness, warmth or coolness of your mattress to suit your body and the climate. Definitely worth checking out if, like me, you’re a sleep princess. Only problem is, you won’t be able to sleep on anything else.

Fancy personalising the firmness, softness, warmth or coolness of your mattress? Photo: King Living

Finally, there’s the temperature of the room to consider. Thankfully, hotel rooms are air-conditioned within an inch of their lives, so it’s easy to get this one right. Simply set the thermostat at 18 degrees; the ideal temperature for human sleep…although my wife reckons it’s “frigging freezing”.

You can’t please everyone.