Sharing versus separate: What room set up works best for children

For many families, “who sleeps where” is largely governed by the amount of available rooms and resources. However, where space and circumstances allow, the question of whether siblings should share a room is a popular topic for debate among parents.

When Queensland mum Lucy Peut and her husband combined their families, neither were surprised that it was less than smooth sailing. The blended family included two daughters of similar ages and the sibling rivalry went into overdrive. Out of desperation, five years into their blended family setup, they tried moving the girls into the same room.

“I can confidently say the benefits of sharing space are endless, and some I could never have imagined before taking what I first considered to be a drastic step,” says Peut. According to Peut, those benefits included developing virtues such as kindness, resilience, generosity and the abilities to share responsibilities and resolve differences.

Peut believes that a contributing factor to the success of the arrangement was the fact that the girls were close in age and had similar needs. While it might not have been the stepsisters’ preference at the time, Lucy thinks that sharing a room protected them from some of the angst of the teenage years.

“The emotional isolation and anxieties that a teen can feel, reduce when sharing a room. It is hard to feel isolated with an audience who understands how that feels. All the issues they experience and manage at school, they can debrief and share at home with someone who gets it,” she says.

But there are certainly sound reasons for opting for separate rooms, particularly when siblings are preventing one another from sleeping soundly. This was the case for Sydney mum-of-two Rachael Scharrer who had no option but to have her young children share a room when she and her husband separated.

“It was the hardest three years of my life,” Scharrer says. “One of the children would keep the other awake at night and would wake the other early in the morning or to be escorted to the bathroom. They took it in turns sleep depriving the other.”

Scharrer was relieved when she was finally able to put her kids into separate rooms.

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“My sanity was restored when we moved and the children had their own rooms,” she says. “They could create the space they wanted and play on their own or invite their friends and sibling in at will.”

Scharrer believes there are other upsides to having children in separate rooms, such as quiet time and space with a parent before bed, or a peaceful place to complete homework uninterrupted. Ultimately, however, she is of the view that the individual needs of the family will determine the best set-up.

This is a view shared by Melbourne psychologist and co-founder of Empowering Parents Giuliett Moran. Moran recommends that when making a decision about whether siblings should share, parents consider the developmental stages of their children, and their individual personalities and preferences.

“Personal space and boundaries are really important for children, whether they share a room or not. Children need a place that is their own, where they can feel calm, can work through their thoughts and feelings and can take some time-out from the outside world,” she says.

Moran explains that while sharing can strengthen the bond between siblings and can help children feel safe and secure, separate rooms can reduce opportunities for sleep disruptions and also provide privacy.

“Gender becomes more of an issue as children get older and approach puberty. This is a time when, if space allows, it can be preferable for siblings to have separate rooms,” she says.

If a shared room is the best option, Liz Hayward, interior decorator at Hayward & Co, suggests that children should have an area of the room to call their own.

“It can be overwhelming for parents to tackle the creation of the shared bedroom. With twice the personalities and twice the necessities to take into account, it’s often a daunting task for parents to accommodate storage, space as well as the individual style of each child,” Hayward says.

She suggests letting children choose their own bedding, decorative cushion or art to personalise their beds or the space surrounding it.

“If space allows, have individual dressers, or study nooks for older children. This is a valuable option in that it allows them the space to show their personalities through a display of personal objects.”