The exercise routine you don't even need to leave the house for

I can count exactly how many times I’ve been to the gym. Twice.

The first time was after my first break-up. It was either getting an impulsive asymmetrical haircut or pretending I was running up Mount Kosciuszko on a steep incline on a treadmill at the local community leisure centre. I chose the latter.

The second time I went to the gym was about six months ago with my mum on her gym guest pass. Well, I can confirm I took the term “guest pass” seriously, especially when I almost guest pass-ed out.

The gym has never been for me.

This has meant I’ve had to look for alternate ways to burn off energy. I go for big walks. Sometimes I will break these up by forcing myself to run in intervals to electricity poles or the next tree.

I’ve downloaded apps that promise to make me a five-kilometre distance runner. I’ve also deleted these apps when the push notifications were passive aggressive. I’m sensitive like that.

But finally I’ve found a routine that works for me. There’s no joining fee. There’s no Lycra. There’s no medicine ball you have to pretend to know how to lift the right way. And the best part? You don’t have to leave the house to do it.

I developed this routine accidentally in isolation but to be honest I have been doing it for years, unnoticed. You probably have too. It’s called the Home Work Out. It’s an intense interval training program that loops around the domestic chores in your home.

Now before you start the program, you’ll need to identify your removal targets. The dirty dishes in the sink, the tumbleweed of your dog’s fur under the dinner table, the grease on the stove’s hot plates that shimmers under the rangehood light all need to go and are good places to start.

Next, you’ll have to master the art of positive self-talk. I mean why fluff the cushions on your couch when you could be lying on your couch watching Netflix until a pop-up appears onscreen shaming you and asking you if you’re still watching because you’ve been inactive for so long? Ignore this temptation and get yourself in the mood.

Getting the vacuum cleaner out of the cupboard is always fraught with danger. You’re never quite sure how you managed to stuff it in after the last use.

Take a deep breath, be brave and extend your forearm as a protective shield before you open the door. Plug in the vacuum cleaner, turn it on and take long strides back and forth on the floor. Watch your step count soar.

To work your upper body strength, spray your bathroom mirror with your cleaning product of choice and wipe in a circular motion with a microfibre cloth. Stand on your tiptoes and really reach as high as you can. Feel that ping in your torso as you stretch? Excellent job.

The best way to remove grease off your hotplates is with elbow grease. It’ll take some time to get that surface clean and you’ll regret eating sausages for dinner last night. But when you notice you now have definition in your biceps, you’ll never question your right to eat sizzling food again.

One Home Work Out circuit later with your muscles pulsating and a sparkling dish rack, you’ll flop on the couch ready to relax. Just know reaching for the remote control might hurt. But only a little.