The Goop christmas gift guide: It's back and goop-ier than ever

Gwyneth Paltrow, the queen of aspirational living and clean eating, is back again with her annual Christmas gift guide.

In fact, her lifestyle brand, Goop, has gone to the trouble of assembling not one or two but eight different gift guides, so there really is something for everyone, (provided you are obscenely rich).

That’s right, there is no point in buying gifts for Christmas if they’re going to be ordinary. And in this case, extraordinary means expensive. To quote Goop itself, “our MO has always been of the more-is-more variety”.

So, come let us gather around like the peasants we are, to marvel at what the 1 per cent deems worthy of gifting this yuletide.

We’ve gone to the trouble of plucking out the best of the best. But please be warned, some of these over-achieving gifts have already sold out.

The Host Gift Guide

Maybe you’re hosting an intimate gathering in the Hamptons, or maybe you’re launching your fashion collaboration with an artist in Miami, either way, you’re going to want some essentials, like a $397 straw basket – excuse me – jute fibre basket, perfect for popping those truffles in.

If baskets aren’t your thing, you might try a wine opener – for $112. It’s solid brass with an ergonomic design, OK?

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And what is a soiree without great atmosphere? This is exactly why you need to buy Psychic Vampire Repellent. It’s a “protective mist designed to shield you from negative energy and safeguard your aura” so, you know, $37 is a small price to pay to not get eaten by a demon. If you need proof, you should know it’s already sold out!

Under-18 Gift Guide

So your toddler loves dress-ups. Why get a tutu from Cotton On when you can get a Bunny Mask made of linen for $68? It’s got bows! If that’s a little too tizzy for your darling, you might want a Dutch Bike for $582.

The Dreamer

The Dreamer is someone in your life who likes to read, and they had better like reading a lot of books because if you’re buying them this brass & leather bookmark for $165 you’d want them to get a lot of use out of it.

The Personalised Gift Guide

If you’ve ever wondered what has been missing from your office life, Goop has the answer – it’s a Fiaru Personalised Folder for $124.

It might look like cardboard, and be as useful as a note pad in a paperless society, but rest assured this baby is made from leather and will make you feel like the 100 Emoji just by carrying it on your person.

The Lover Gift Guide

The gold-plated vibrator has sold out already, which lucky for us, still leaves the oyster plate – a plain white plate with room for oysters and at just $148.

Health Nut Gift Guide

What is the point of drinking your water from a glass bottle if it doesn’t have a crystal in it? Well, there is no point, which is why Goop is selling their bottle with rose quartz, clear quartz and amethyst, so you may infuse your water with “positive energy”.

Stocking Stuffers

These might also be called “gifts for the poor people” because nothing is over $100. So if it’s a bundle of sticks you’re after, you can go ahead and purchase the “bath and meditation bundle” – a literal bag of bark, for just $50.

The Cook Gift Guide

This is for serious cooks, guys. Otherwise, you might feel a twinge of pain parting with $1000 for an 18cm saucepan. Or, a casserole dish for $1618.00.

The Traveller Guide

Even in first class the air can get a little chilly. The solution is a cashmere wrap for $656.

Don’t worry – Paltrow assures us that you can use it while cuddling up on the couch, presumably with the Sultan of Brunei, as it’s the only way we can afford it.

The Animal Lover Gift Guide

Oh good, there’s a dog bed available for just $317. But if your furry child hates soft surfaces there is also a chic tepee for the bargain price of $212.

The Guy Gift Guide

In what might be a classic Freudian slip, the guide also boasts a tepee option for your man; at over eight feet tall and at the bargain price of $920, he can probably fit the dog in there too.

The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide

If you thought the guide was already verging that way, I have news: you can actually purchase an At-Home float tank for the sweet, sweet cost of some basic home renovations.

Yep, for $21,887 you can hop into a small enclosed space full of tepid water. Gorgeous!