The most terrible things about Australian homes

The great Australian dream, they say. The great Australian nightmare, more like it. From gloomy inner-city terraces to supersized McMansions jammed up against the neighbours, there are some truly terrible home designs around this wide, brown land. Speaking of brown, have we finally kicked the brownish grey (or is that greige?) rendered brick addiction yet?

Here, in no particular order, are some of the worst design features that crop up with depressing regularity in Australian houses and apartments. Memo to builders, architects, interior designers and anyone else listening: Please. Just. Stop.

Open-plan overkill

A combined lounge-dining room I can handle. But a cavernous zone with every square metre of communal living space mixed together? Not only is it hard to heat, it assumes you want to spend a whole lot of time with your family members or housemates. Give me a break. Erect a wall. And don’t get me started on the open-plan bedroom-bathroom business. A little privacy, please.

Render bender

Remember those intricate brick embellishments popular in the 1920s and ’30s? No? Oh, that’s probably because they have largely been slathered with render. And painted “greige”. Granted, not all exposed bricks are things of beauty, but charm of yesteryear is too often lost beneath layers of boring and high-maintenance cement.

Terrace houses

Apparently, it’s the inner-city hipster’s life ambition to live in a charming terrace home. With a bright yellow door to show off their rampant individuality. In reality, most terraces are horrible, dark, depressing places with useless front rooms (unless you enjoy an audience of passers-by), mildew issues, narrow staircases, poor sound insulation and no upstairs toilet.

 The realities of terrace living. Photo: Stocksy

Crappy balconies

Juliet would kill herself all over again if she could see the “balconies” being built in her name. New apartment blocks are the worst offenders for these tiny, useless wastes of space that couldn’t even be bothered with room for a chair. At the other end of the spectrum, was it really good idea to build that spacious balcony overlooking that four-lane highway? And a pox on all your units with transparent balconies that overlook the neighbours.

Buddha bonanza

When even Bunnings is flogging off cheap cement versions of the Enlightened One, you know we’ve reached peak Buddha. Here’s an idea: leave the religious iconography to the believers. (NB: a week in Seminyak does not a believer make.) Ditto Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Garages galore

Before double and triple-car garages stood like ugly, gaping mouths at the front of houses, there were these quaint little things called gardens. Bring them back, I say. Leave the second car on the street. Or sell it and catch a bus.

Double (garage) trouble. Photo: Stocksy

Solar stupidity

News flash: it gets hot in Australia. And cold. Not that you’d know it by the environmentally ignorant designs that get built around here. A black roof might look chic but it’s a heat magnet. Insulation rocks. So does natural ventilation. North-facing windows catch far more winter sun that those on the eastern or western sides. If you must install an airconditioner, remember: it’s not a design feature. Tuck it away somewhere inconspicuous.

Too close for comfort

There’s nothing like kicking back on your couch and watching the enormous wall-mounted TV. In your neighbour’s living room. Which is entirely possibly in many modern McMansions, which are built so close the next house you probably reach in and grab their remote too. Eaves are underrated. And gardens are lovely.

And the worst bit?

The list could go on, from ugly metal security flyscreen doors to windowless bathrooms, glass-walled bathrooms in bedrooms, useless exhaust fans, kitchens so vast you break a sweat walking from the fridge to the cooker, mirrored sliding wardrobe doors, stencilled driveways, ugly faux heritage features … But surely the most irritating aspect of Australian real estate is that, for all its design flaws, it’s still ridiculously unaffordable for many. At last count, the median Sydney house price was 12.2 times annual household income; the stat in Melbourne only slightly cheerier at 9.7 times household income. Buddha not included.

 Living in too close quarters. Photo: Stocksy

What’s your least favourite aspect of Australian home design?