The top 25 housekeeping crimes

1. The empty toilet roll

No, it’s not that hard to replace. And, yes, you are rude for leaving a 5-centimetre wisp of precious two-ply swaying gently in the breeze.

2. No toilet paper at all

Even worse, and we all know the consequences.

3. A badly stacked dishwasher

I would try putting the plates vertical not horizontal. And perhaps wait until there is more than a dirty fork in there before turning it on. Practising jigsaw puzzles, Candy Crush and Jenga are great for working on your spatial planning skills.

 4. Not emptying the damn dishwasher

Pray tell, which half is clean and which is dirty?

5. Passive­-aggressive dirty dish tactics

The old “They’re not mine so I’m not cleaning them and will eat takeaway and drink from that one mug indefinitely” strategy, eh?

6. Food remnants in all the wrong places

It’s too daunting to even look beneath the couch cushions, let alone clean under there. And are those breadcrumbs in the bed, or something worse?

 7. A freezer full of unidentified objects wrapped in plastic

It’s best not to let your imagination run wild on this one.

8. A bounty of botanical growth in the fridge

A handy tip is to throw things out before they spore, or embrace the challenge of cooking an edible meal with the eclectic combination of ingredients left on the shelves.

9. The empty fridge

Sad face.

 10. Got Milk?

Two whole millilitres left for my morning coffee: not cool. If you use the last of it, replace it (see points 1 and 2).

 11. Not cleaning up after cleaning up

There’s no point crying over spilt milk, unless you wiped it up and didn’t rinse the sponge. Yuck. And, yes, that is why the kitchen smells funky.

12. Drinking from the bottle

Most people prefer not to share DNA via the orange juice.

13. The ‘polite’ note

A single Post-it note. A DIY chalkboard ‘message wall’. A crisp sheet of A4 slipped silently under the door. It’s so nice of you to get straight to the point. And writing in all caps is such a sweet touch.

14. I’m trying to be really good and take my lunch every day but WHERE ARE THE TUPPERWARE LIDS!?

Things that are now ruined: my routine, my budget, my diet and my life.

15. Food Watergate

Where has my carefully prepared week’s worth of quinoa, lentil and jalapeño casserole gone? May my superfood leak in your bag.

16. Aren’t all microwaves self-cleaning these days?

No sadly. So it is a real shame when you don’t use a lid (see point 14) to reheat that ill-gotten quinoa, lentil and jalapeño casserole (see point 15). At least I have caked-on evidence.

17. All irons turn themselves off, right?

I’ve double-checked the fire alarm battery twice this week.

18. Your fixie/mountain bike/low-rider fixation

There is nothing as sweet as falling asleep with the glint of your shiny new Santa Cruz Bronson catching my eye. Or that extra morning pick-me-up when your Fuji Feather’s ergonomic handlebars jab me in the spleen as I shimmy past it in the hallway. And yes, your Schwinn Madison looks awesome in the lounge room – maybe we could put one in the kitchen too!

19. Yes, your shoes smell

It’s true, you may not be able to help it, but you could try wearing socks – and/or not leaving your shoes next to the dining table.

20. The interactive wardrobe experience

Every time I open a drawer or door: BAM! Natural and manmade fibres rain down upon me like a gentle sartorial waterfall. And nothing gets the mental cogs turning of a morning more than playing ‘Where’s Wally’ with my underwear.

21. The not-so-great unwashed bed sheets

Yes, dark-coloured sheets need to be washed too.

22. The lint diaries

What could be better than diligently washing the darks and whites separately, only to discover everything decorated with an ‘edgy’ smattering of multicoloured lint?

23. Hair!

Let’s not split follicles: finding hair anywhere it shouldn’t be is disturbing. The shower drain is bad enough, but in last night’s leftovers is worse.

24. A waste of paste

Extracting toothpaste from the tube shouldn’t be as hard as extracting a tooth. Squeezing from the bottom of the tube should be taught in school.

25. Nintendo is the soundtrack to my life

TV, stereo, video game – bring it on. Admit it: you paid all that money for a state-of-the-art sound system so everyone – including the neighbours – could ‘enjoy’ your DJing and dragon-slaying at full volume and maximum fidelity. And no matter where I am in the house – I still know you’re kicking Mario’s arse.

26. Extra-credit crime: leaving the front door unlocked

Bonus points because it might lead to actual crime! (Extra bonus points for leaving the keys in the door – on the outside.)