The worst people to share a house with

Share housing is all about communication and finding flatmates with a lifestyle that compliments yours. Some compromise might be necessary to work things out, but negotiating the cleaning roster is just part of the joy of being young and sharing your space.

Or is it? Perhaps – maybe – some people are just terrible. Or their behaviour is (I’ve been someone’s horror housemate, too, no doubt – so guilty as charged). 

Let’s look at 10 common share house crimes.

1. The person who steals all your food

Self-explanatory, but it’s pretty vexing when your bread goes missing and is never replaced. Or someone takes a bite out of your cheese block, complete with teeth marks. 

2. That person who has lived in the upstairs master bedroom for too long and thinks they own the house

There comes a point where a person maybe be burned out by the share-house experience. Or perhaps they’ve lived in a place so long that their primary relationship is with the building itself, rather than the parade of youngsters renting out the downstairs, street-facing bedroom.

But finding yourself living with a flatmate who treats you like an unwelcome guest in their comfortable abode – that’s not fun. If you’re at the point of finding the mere existence of a flatmate a point of irritation, maybe it’s time to pony up for solo living.

3. The person who uses every pot and pan to create an elaborate meal for a messy dinner party, then leaves the washing-up for a week

I’ve gone to all the effort of creating a genuine banquet to (loudly) entertain my friends, surely I’ve earned the right to leave the washing-up until tomorrow, right? Or the following night? Maybe next week? To the point that I’ve forgotten that it’s mine and I’m tut-tutting the inconsiderate person who has left that pasta pot on the stove to soak?

4. The clutterer

Is every surface covered with something – something “important” that hasn’t been used for months, maybe years, but can’t be thrown out? No room in the pantry because of those 10 packets of half-eaten biscuits dating back to 2012? An entire scouts group of camping gear under the stairs?

Living in a house full – actually full – of other people’s stuff is stressful, especially if they’re taking up all the physical and emotional space and are resistant to a periodic decluttering. Hoarding can be a serious psychological issue so some sensitivity is in order. But if the giant box of a decade’s worth of power cords belong to now-obsolete electrical appliances is down to disorganisation and a “I’ll get around to it eventually” procrastination pattern, and it’s bugging you, it might be worth having a proper chat with your housemates about it.

5. The clean-freak

If the plate is still warm from your lovingly-prepared toast and your flatmate is nagging you about leaving washing-up on the sink, it’s probably not going to work out.

Bonus points if they leave passive-aggressive notes around the house. We live in the digital age – there are multiple ways to communicate other than face-to-face (Snapchat? SMS? Whatsapp? Twitter? Public instagram call-outs?) – but nothing says “barely-suppressed rage” like a sticky note with a smiley face.

6. The couple that fight all the time

Shouting? Slammed doors? A highly-charged MasterChef viewing experience, with only the odd, pointed remark to break the tense silence? Either member of the dynamic duo bailing you up in the kitchen to either a) complain about the other or b) apologise for their terrible but entirely human and understandable behaviours? Not great. Especially if it alternates between joined-at-the-hip lounge room hogging and lovey-dovey PDAs all over the kitchen, and drunken screaming 3am fights out the front of the house. Followed by make-up sex.

7. People who don’t lock the doors

Occasionally you may encounter the flatmate that relies on the kindness of the universe, rather than a traditional deadlock, to provide security for your shared abode. It might extend to other areas – leaving windows open, leaving the hotplate on, leaving the tap on so the sink overflows mid-conversation – and this can stretch the friendship a little bit.

8. The irresponsible pet owner

This is a tricky and potentially upsetting scenario that can extend from repeated requests for you to feed the cat because they’re not going to be home again, to the bored dog barking and tearing up the yard because it’s not getting walked, to an obviously ill pet that needs vet treatment.

9. The fitness freak

The gym junkie who thumps down the stairs every morning at 5am on the way to their cycle/barre class, has double the showers and does double the laundry and cheerfully bangs on about their running schedule while smashing a green smoothie. Also taking up most of the fridge with protein-based meals or cupboard space with protein powder. 

10. The late rent payer

This is the worst – the most serious of share house crimes. There’s frugality, then there’s cheapness, then there’s breaking the most basic law of share housing, the glue that keeps a group of unrelated adults together.