This is what watching home shows has taught me

I’m a sucker for home shows. I watch them all.

And one thing I’ve learnt over years of watching back-to-back House Hunters Internationals, Escape to the City and the like is the perfect house doesn’t exist.

I’m unsure how any couple ever finds a new home, as the reality of house hunting isn’t location, location, location, but compromise, compromise, compromise.

Listen to John’s story about life underground on Somewhere Else: 

If you’ve ever watched House Hunters you’d know that every initial interview the couple has with their real estate agent is invariably full of contradictions. Each of the people will describe their dream home and each vision will be vastly different from the other.

It’s decidedly uncomfortable, and strangely enjoyable, to watch and always leaves us (the viewer) scratching our head wondering if in fact this couple even know each other at all?

Did they not speak to each other before this meeting? Are they in fact strangers? Is their relationship doomed to fail? Will they find the perfect home? It’s voyeurism at its best.

One person will always want to live in the city or have a beach view while the other person will want to reside in the countryside.

The number of desired bedrooms is also often at odds. There’s always someone who is willing to forgo an additional room so they can have a garage to satisfy their bike obsession or they just don’t want the extended family visiting. And there’s always a need for a craft room, whatever that is.

Then there’s the style – modern or traditional. You can be assured they won’t agree on that critical factor either.

And do they want to renovate or would a new build be best? Ask either person and you’d get a different response – trust me, that’s how these house-hunting shows work.

Maybe producers scour the land looking for the most dysfunctional couples or maybe all house-hunting couples are doomed?

Then the real estate agent will excruciatingly take the couple to a variety of houses that only one person will get excited about, while the other person whinges about the lack of period details or the small yard for their three Great Danes.

Better still if it’s a tiny house they’re after – it will always be too big or too small. Where will they fit their yoga mat, homebrew kit and extensive guitar collection?

And the budget, well, there’s always a tight arse and there’s always someone willing to blow all of the couple’s savings for “the one”.

Whatever their top budget, it’s never in line with the current real estate market. No matter how many times the agent tells them, there’s no way they’ll be able to afford a five-bedroom, five-bathroom home on the waterfront, also close to the action and minutes from their work, with a three-car garage and vast, neat gardens with a pool and guest house for $250,000.

Eventually, they’ll settle on a home that neither of them are truly excited about or they’ll go rogue and find their own house which will be nothing like what they originally specified, leaving viewers screaming at the television, and Kirstie and Phil shaking their heads in despair.

Why did they even bother to help these annoying people?