A spotter's guide to the kooks, creeps, whack jobs and weirdos on Gumtree

Tinder hit the big-time after I waded out of the dating pool but I don’t feel like I’ve missed much. I have my own source of awkward interactions with random strangers: I’m on Gumtree.

Sure, there’s more money exchanged through classifieds sites than online dating. But the waiting, the hoping, the joyful anticipation and the bitter disappointment when things don’t work out as planned are surely similar to looking for love – and the rest – online. There’s even a bit of nudity.

Here’s a quick and dirty spotter’s guide to the kooks, creeps, whack jobs and weirdos that could stand in the way of you and your perfect match on Gumtree and other classifieds sites. You have been warned.

The ghost

I’m still wondering whether to file a missing persons report for the lady who said she would come to my house to collect a Jolly Jumper. Retailing at $60, my barely used baby bouncing contraption was a steal at $20. Or so I thought. I hung around, waited, checked my phone, sent her a message. Silence. I’d been ghosted. Lady if you’re out there, I hope you’re OK. And if anyone needs a Jolly Jumper …

The inquisitor

Some buyers would be better suited to the International Court of Justice than the homewares section of Gumtree. So advanced are their skills of examination, cross-examination and re-examination that it seems a shame to waste them seeking information about the precise fan mechanism and serial number of a $15 heater. A polite but firm “take it or leave it” is the best strategy.

The haggler

Who doesn’t love a bargain? Some friendly negotiation is all part of the deal when buying or selling used goods. But $500 does not mean $50. And no, I won’t deliver.

The obsessive

For the obsessive, the procurement or sale of household goods is secondary to the opportunity Gumtree provides to let them bang on – and on, and on, and on – about their favourite topic. If you suspect you are dealing with an obsessive, by all means go ahead with the transaction but have an exit strategy. Why yes, I can definitely hear your phone ringing.

The creep

“No more Gumtree for me,” says a friend who once turned up to collect an item she had arranged to buy, only to be greeted by “a creepy dude in his underpants who asked me if he liked what I saw”. For the record, she didn’t. Another friend advertised a spare room for rent. “I got a phone call offering me a job as a ‘massage therapist’ at $280 an hour because I was a single mum. Never used Gumtree again.”

The paranoiac

Paranoid might be too harsh a label given all the odd bods online (see “The creep”, above) but there is a reasonable expectation that you will have to come face to face with someone you have not met. One Facebook group user recalls sending her husband to collect a $9 toddler walker. When she told the seller he was on his way, the seller insisted he wait outside the house until her own husband returned home. “Waited an hour. Daughter loves it though,” he reports.

The shyster

It’s hard to pick a shyster until after you’ve been duped. When you try to launch your new dinghy, only to have the bottom fall out, for example. Facebook kids’ groups regularly feature warnings about sellers who collect busted prams or car seats from the kerb during council clean-ups then list them for sale despite safety flaws. Lower your chances of scoring a dud by asking to see a receipt. Or Google “dinghy seaworthiness inspection”.

The reseller

Gumtree has huge warm-fuzzy potential. The seller can feel good that their unwanted goods have found a happy home, avoiding landfill and bringing in a few bucks in the process. So when someone buys your items solely to on-sell them at a profit, the warm fuzzies shrivel and die, replaced by the “dammit, why didn’t I charge more?” regrets. The reseller is often easy to pick after the fact. When you search their other listings, they usually have more items for sale than eBay – at higher prices than you would have charged.

If selling your second-hand goods seems like more trouble than it’s worth, there are plenty of charities that accept used items. Warm fuzzies guaranteed.

See more:

Asylum Seeker Resource Centre

Australian Red Cross

Dandelion Support Network

Mummies Paying it Forward

St Kilda Mums

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