Ten things all apartment residents know

If you’re among the millions of Australians living in an apartment or flat, you’ll understand the trials and tribulations of living in close quarters.

There are plenty of upsides: perhaps a quicker commute, cheaper bills and the chance to live in a swanky area that you couldn’t otherwise afford. Then there are the drawbacks, such as noisy neighbours, car parking quarrels and communal bin conundrums.

Whether you love it or loathe it, here are 10 signs that you definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, call an apartment home.

1. Your ‘foyer’ is underwhelming, at best

If your place is of the older, solid brick variety, there’s a fair chance the entry way won’t set your heart soaring. Think small brown tiles from the ’70s, random bikes (and perhaps the odd pram) chained to the stairwell, and a withered copy of the White Pages propping open the doorway.

One day, in an effort to spruce up the sad-looking planter box in the corner, you’ll shell out 20 bucks on a nice little palm tree from Bunnings. But don’t rest on your laurels yet – the neighbourhood plant thief is hot on your tail.

2. Bin night goes for three days

There might be 16 flats in your apartment block, but don’t be fooled. When it comes to putting the bins out – and bringing them back in – almost all human life mysteriously vanishes. Which is a bit weird, because you swear all this rubbish is coming from somewhere. You’ll also note that many of your neighbours are committed to disposing their recyclables in non-recyclable plastic bags. Why, why, why?

3. Hard rubbish collection is an event

It makes sense that your nature strip is littered with all manner of crap on council’s hard rubbish day. But when you live in an apartment block, you’ll realise all too soon that the dumping of random household items is not a yearly, or even twice-yearly, event. On any given day, you might be blessed (read: cursed) with new midnight offerings, such as a floral couch out the back, a skanky mattress, or even a couple of wonky chairs in your car parking space.

4. Sunny Saturdays mean just one thing

Any true apartment dweller – particularly one without the aid of a clothes dryer – knows that doing your laundry is a master game of strategy. A sun-kissed Saturday will see washing machines in the communal laundry spinning furiously, as your neighbours vie for the chance to peg their washing out. Slow movers will have to settle for shifting their clothes horse to a spare patch of concrete outside, or worse, hanging their wet clothes, Venice-style, from their balconies.

5. You guard your car park like a zealous dictator

Once you finally figure out which off-street car park is actually yours, you’ll hold on to it for dear life. Should an enemy occasionally invade, you will warn them off with a strongly worded note under their wiper. Which is all well and good until the birds that live in the tree above decide to mark their territory, giving your car’s duco a daily whitewash.

6. Your nostrils are offended

Perhaps you don’t love the aroma of your neighbour’s second-hand smoke, the four cats they’re harbouring inside – or just the smell of spicy curry coming from upstairs. Polite entreaties to change the situation may or may not work. In which case you’ll just have to suck it up.

7. You’ll have a love/hate relationship with your body corporate

If you own your apartment, the annual body corporate meeting may not be the highlight of your social calendar. But you’ll go, because suddenly you’re interested in getting a new washing line, or voting on a special levy to replace the roof. Your savings may suffer accordingly.

8. Yes, your neighbours are in love

Maybe you’ll be lucky and live in an apartment blessed with thick walls. If you don’t, expect to be across every facet of your neighbours’ romantic relationships. When it comes to your own, it’s best to delude yourself into thinking that the walls are thicker on your side.

9. The park is your backyard

Because God knows you don’t have your own. On the upside, living in an apartment inspires you to make the most of life outside your four walls.

10. You’re close to almost everything

Yes, you might get space envy when you visit your friends in the suburbs (or anyone richer than you). But you’ll likely spend less time commuting, and enjoy more time riding or walking. Of course, you’ll also waste fewer hours cleaning, which frees up more hours to take advantage of everything cool in your neighbourhood. Like hard rubbish day.