The Block 2015 recap: Suzi and Vonni find everyone's a friend

Just yesterday, Darren and Dea Jolly were counting their cash after a massive win on The Block.

That cash cow’s steaming pile of moolah has barely cooled, and the producers have already dusted off their hart hats for another season, just up the road, still in fancy South Yarra.

Hello to The Blocktagon – an eight-storey, eight-sided tower of terror.

The contestants are going to slug it out to transform the Hotel Saville – once a seedy budget motel – and here they come, scared and wide-eyed, but there is something else freaking me out and making my eyes bulge.

I can’t look away from Gold Coast mum in the pink singlet … who has arrived with her twins.

Ba da bing, the show’s tradies aren’t going to get so much as a bit of spackling done or a screw put in with this distraction around. 

We meet the teams. New South Wales couple Dean and Shay, are childhood sweethearts, so we irrationally dislike them already for being so in love and never going through heartbreak, because it’s so unfair – why them and not us?

Vonni and pink-singlet Suzi, the mums and models from the Goldie who fill out their workman’s gear in a way that Foreman Keith never will.

Andrew and Whitney are the Melbourne team, and have no renovation experience.

Kingi and Caro are from Townsville, and Luke and Ebony are the WA siblings who got booted off Darling Street earlier this year.

Cut to cussing, bickering, weeping and shattering glass, representing their souls, and we are away.

The debut challenge is 24 hours renovate a room and the winners will take their pick of the penthouse, or any other level they want.

Formalities done, we get down and personal. Whitney and Andrew tell us they met on Tinder. Don’t admit that! Everyone is on Tinder but nobody admits it. How embarrassing.

Suzi and Vonni tell us they became friends on a movie set. What the heck sort of movie it was, I am nervous to know.

The producers show us a montage of the girls bouncing around on a beach in togs so tiny that host Scott Cam couldn’t even polish the headlights on his motorbike with one of those little scraps of lycra.

I bet the cameramen had to draw straws to work out who would get that filming gig.

The tradies are lining up to do the job for the girls, and Suzi is amazed that when they need help, eager men just appear (#hotpeopleproblems).

But, Scotty points out, one of their key tradies – Alfreddo – belongs to another team and they have “picked up the wrong plasterer”. Don’t you just hate that, when you pick up the wrong guy?

Luke quickly turns the temperature down a notch and proves he hasn’t had a big night out in a while by saying he is “gyprocking and living the dream”.

Caro thinks she is on different show – that British one with bric-a-brac markets and old people – and is re-purposing rubbish furniture from the motel. It’s the first “ohmigod no!” moment of the season and you just know judge Shaynna Blaze is going unleash on her.

Whitney and Andrew – the Tinderlings – are painting their feature wall Tinder flame orange. That, or it’s the colour of the sweet potato mush my baby niece eats and later chucks up, and you just know Shaynna is also going to spew.

Some tense, marital bickering between Kingi and Caro set this pair up as the livewire, divorce-potential team of the season – there has to be one every year.

Caro complains she has deep forehead wrinkles because of Kingi, but I reckon if she has a quiet word to the Gold Coast gals they could help her out with getting that fixed.

Suzi is fulfilling the fantasy of so many by enlisting a fit young tradie to carry her shopping, but she’s barely getting to enjoy it because she’s late and Vonni is ringing her, flipping out.

Rookie error of the season #1 – Dean and Shay are in flat pack hell. They’ll learn, and the hard way.

Rookie error of the season #2 – Whitey has ordered the wrong size bed base for the mattress. Between this and the Tinder confession, I worry for her.

Vonni’s stuck at The Block in tears as the clock ticks down. Just after Suzi scoots past with a stash of cushions, Scotty whistles – no, not a wolf whistle – to command everyone to stop.

That’s it – tools and outrageously expensive throw rugs down. The first cruel challenge of the season is over.

And just like they did with those shots of those Gold Coast mums in their bikinis, the producers are teasing us, for next week …