The Block 2019 premiere recap: Tears, jeers and fears as teams meet The Oslo

Hurrah! The Block is back for 2019. We can marvel at couples having meltdowns over curtain fabrics while airborne concrete dust solidifies their tears. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. 

In 2019, the five couples have been tasked with turning The Oslo in St Kilda into something for which nice people will pay reasonable money.

Once a fine piece of real estate in the height of the gold rush, The Oslo has slid into disrepair over the years. Before being handed over to The Block, it was one of the city’s seediest backpackers. Step within a five-kilometre radius of it, and there’s still a good chance you’ll contract tinea.

Not only are the contestants taking on a seriously rough diamond, the area they are expected to makeover is also bigger than ever.

As Scotty “measure twice, cut once” Cam repeatedly hammers home, each couple will be renovating a space of about 460 square metres. This is the equivalent of Norm and Jess’ penthouse apartment from 2018 and Josh and Elyse’s winning house from the year before. They’ll be given a slightly larger budget of $250,000 to complete the task.

Without further ado, let’s meet the players:

Andy and Deb, Wallabi Point, NSW

Seem like pretty decent people who you would happily sit near on a plane. They have been together 28 years, have four kids (two who are fostered … see? Nice peeps), he’s a stand-up comedian and she owns a shop. They have a young son who busts some top-notch breakdancing moves in the meet ’n’ greet montage. That child’s dancing is their strongest asset at this stage.

Mitch and Mark, Bondi, NSW

Couple in their mid-50s who have been together for 14 years. Mitch makes a bold entry onto our screens (and into our hearts) with his novelty-sized belt buckles, deep V-neck shirts and silk pocket squares. Over the past 10 years they have renovated 15 properties, and from the looks of it, they have singlehandedly kept the Australian chandelier market afloat.

Elise and Matt, Perth, WA

She’s a fashion brand manager and he’s a chippie. They have three kids, and after having their application for The Block rejected in previous years, they have finally made it through. They are on the show “to make a better life for their kids”. She cries a bit when Skype-ing said kids.

Tess and Luke, Cairns, QLD

As Elise screams when Tess and Luke arrive: “they’re young and they’re hot”. If we had our way, Luke would automatically win the prize money for greeting the film crew with “how the f— are yas?” 

Luke is also a chippie and they have painstakingly renovated a house they purchased five years ago. As he says “we hate weekends, loooooove casement windows”. Luke wins our vote for “best on ground” at this stage.

Jesse and Mel, St Kilda, VIC

If anyone has ever been set up to be the subject of mockery, it’s real estate agent Jesse. One of the most head-scratching scenes from this episode is the footage of Jesse kite-surfing to the James Bond theme song while Mel stumbles around on the St Kilda foreshore in a bikini. 

They are super confident and as we all know, this makes Australian viewers enormously uncomfortable, so it will be interesting to see how they fare in the popularity stakes. They are under the impression that because they live 100 metres away from The Oslo and Jesse is a real estate agent, they have some sweet advantage. This is the only time living 100 metres from The Oslo has been considered an advantage.

In the first week, the couples have been asked to create a 30 square metre bedroom with an en suite. It’s being touted as the “toughest first-week challenge ever”. 

The winner of the first-week challenge scores a surprise safe that could have anything in it – money, tools … a leftover backpacker from The Oslo. 

Following a charming little exercise where they flop around in mud in their nice clothes to decide on townhouse allocation, foreman Keith arrives to throw some shade at Jesse, which every home viewer enjoys.

After that Jesse and Mel drop another one of their “secret weapon” bombshells … he is a qualified tiler.

The smugness is quickly cut short when Keith turns up again to chastise Jesse about the amount of crap on the floor following demolition. Instead of cleaning it up as instructed, Jesse pulls the classic procrastination move of whipping out his phone and doing some online shopping instead. Keith cracks it and Australia cheers.

To break up the fatigue, someone inexplicably turns up with a boom box and starts a Saturday night dance party that Tess wins by using a broom as a stripper’s pole.

Mitch also unwinds by taking a bunch of selfies at Beacon Lighting, which is reasonable, as we all know it’s the right thing to do when you stumble into some good lighting.

The episode ends with a montage of people crying because Scotty Cam has set a prick of a task. 

We’ll be back next Sunday night to see how many chandeliers Mitch and Mark can fit in one room, whether Keith has managed to entirely break Jesse’s character, and if Deb managed to find her way back from the homemaker centre after sobbing into her scarf in the car.

Simone Mitchell is a freelance writer. You can find her on Twitter.