The Block 2020 premiere recap: Five teams go to the beach, some left all at sea

Ah, Brighton. For decades mostly known for its brightly coloured beach boxes and the way people would enunciate the “i” – Briiighton – as a marker of its status in Melbourne’s blue-ribbon set, in these troubled days it’s better known for its Karen who is decidedly bored with doing all of Brighton.

Never fear, Karen, here are five couples about to give you something different to look at in a section of New Street.

Yes, it’s The Block, back for its 16th season to remind us all of our inferior home styling abilities and to wish we, too, could merely renovate a home on no sleep for several months and then stand to gain potentially hundreds of thousands at auction.

And let us now meet the five teams who this year will inevitably cry, scream, yell, not sleep for days on end and perhaps even spontaneously combust – or a combination of all five – before our eyes, all in the name of entertainment and their dreams of their own fiscal stimulus.

First into the gauntlet are Queensland “battlers” Jimmy and Tam, who call Brisbane home.

He’s a plumber, she’s a bar manager who can “pull the best bloody beer in Brisbane”. Now she’ll have to try pulling the best bloody bargains into Brighton, because those renovation budgets on The Block are notoriously tight – tighter than the restrictions on cruise ships coming into Australia during a pandemic.

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Next up, we meet Sarah, a high school teacher, and electrician George, from western Sydney.

Sarah declares she and her husband are coming “to smash The Block”. Sarah, your enthusiasm is to be admired, but please only smash your old house fittings, and not your finished product to avoid Shaynna Blaze, Neale Whitaker and Darren Palmer’s chagrin. Also, buyers prefer things in homes to be intact.

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House 1, Harry and Tash: 364 New Street, Brighton

House 2, Sarah and George: 362B New Street, Brighton

House 3, Daniel and Jade: 362A New Street, Brighton

House 4, Luke and Jasmin: 360B New Street, Brighton

House 5, Jimmy and Tam: 360A New Street, Brighton

Farmer Daniel and hairdresser Jade who call Wandearah, South Australia, home, have tried out three times before this year for The Block and honestly, if they can handle a drought on their property, renovating in Brighton should be a piece of cake. Should be. With $1 million in debt, their ethos is “you’ve just got to keep going”, which should serve them well here.

West Australians Luke and Jasmin arrive with state pride on their mind. “WA’s never won it before,” he notes.

Jasmin is also a teacher, and Luke is a carpenter, so good luck to any non-tradie teams this year. Luke is also a surfer, and a DJ, and a model, which, as Jasmin says “pays some bills”. Which is a nice way of saying he’s really, really good looking.

Last to arrive on site are father and daughter Harry and Tash from Melbourne, which on paper at least should give them the home-ground advantage. At 57 and 32, there’s also sure to be intergenerational fireworks, purely because this is reality TV and that is what ratings gold is made of.

A brief montage of fun things we used to do in 2020 BC (before COVID-19), such as hugging, high-fiveing and being closer than 1.5 metres to people we don’t live with is shown, before we are given a preview of how the teams’ Block bubbles will burst with the onset of the pandemic. Ah, hugs. It feels like a much simpler time.

As we now know, everything on The Block is shut down on day 35 and the season will essentially be split into two: what was done before the shutdown, and what was done afterwards.

And yes, there’s tears, and Neale goading Shaynna into a very expressive reaction to a room reveal.

Now that we have a sneak peek of the drama to come, it’s time for our first ingredient: the divvying up of the houses to each couple.

To get there, there’s a preliminary challenge: build a kit beach box (it’s Briiighton, darling) furnished as a bedroom within a $3000 budget.

Don’t get too enamoured with these boxes, guys, the local council keeps a pretty tight grip on who is actually allowed to have a beach box on the actual beach, and you’re also not legally allowed to sleep in them.

After the three tradies (and Daniel, who is a former chippie) froth over the tool kits provided, the teams race each other and Scotty, who decides he’ll also build a beach box, just for the fun of it.

I guess this is what Gold Logie winners do on their days off.

Well, they all race except George and Sarah. She spends most of her time staring at the other teams, trying to work out what the hell is going on.

After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing between the teams, particularly from George and Sarah about the size of their beach box, which includes the first tears of the season, finally the beach boxes are complete, and the teams can get down to what’s really important: styling.

Harry and Tash have to compromise on their 1950s ideals of matching twin beds when there’s not enough room for a bedside table between them, which means they’ll have to share a bed for the next few weeks. Sounds cosy.

Jimmy uses a paint spray gun on the inside of his box, smuggled inside a wheelie bin so no one else will copy his ingenuity.

But he needn’t worry. With 36 hours to reveal, Sarah and George’s builder has just realised they don’t have enough material to complete their extension, which they’d hoped would give them the winning edge. The only edge they’ve got is … well, none at all.

Fortunately, a replacement tradie comes to the rescue; it’s a Block miracle!

After what feels like an eternity of painting, it’s actually tools down, and here come the results, which will bring one team closer to their cash dream and infuriate another.

The results are in: Jimmy and Tam’s yellow and white box, complete with deck, wins praise for its friendly vibe and simplicity.

Sarah and George’s box features skylights (well, clear laserlight) and loft storage, but the extra space coupled with a low ceiling left Neale feeling claustrophobic.

The judges want Sarah and George to take their feedback as constructive advice for the months ahead. Sarah cries (again). It’s going to be a long season.

Daniel and Jade’s rainbow exterior has the judges thinking of ice cream on the beach, but the interior is more delicious, with key details that work – except the pendant light.

Luke and Jasmin’s ’70s coastal shack is “the lollipop of nightmares”, says Darren (he’s back!), but the judges love the cool touches like the shell pendant, rattan bedhead and panelling, as well as the wide windowsill bar.

Harry and Tash’s royal blue paintwork is decried as terrible but the box itself is not beyond salvation. Inside, the relaxed interior is praised but the styling doesn’t quite nail the beachy theme.

And we finish on a cliffhanger, with the all-important first pick of the houses revealed in the next episode.

Game on.