Thirtysomething, married and moving home to live with mum and dad

Someone wise once said, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and most parents would admit that more help from ‘the village’ would be very welcome. For many families however, the idea of actually moving in with members of that village would be a step too far. Mum of one Laura Jackel shares some first-hand experience of communal living after taking the brave (or is that idiotic?) step of moving husband Jules and baby Toby in with her mum and dad …

The big move

After living in Australia for almost 10 years and then having our little boy Toby, we decided the time was right to move closer to my family in Britain . ‘Moving closer’ eventually equated to ‘moving in’ as we thought we could reduce the stress of a major international move by eliminating the search for a place to live.  When we told friends and family what we were going to do, responses were often mixed. From practical “that makes sense” remarks to the “you must be crazy” comments from friends who looked at us with a mixture of amusement and pity.

To me it seemed like the most sensible option; I pictured hands-on babysitting, help with chores after long, tiring days and additional shoulders to cry on and seek support from. I did also experience a number of pre-moving day meltdowns when I shrieked at my partner about what on earth we thought we were doing by moving back in with my parents in our 30s.

Fun for all the family

It all got off to a great start when we arrived to be greeted by warm hugs and a warm car (complete with the necessary baby seat) then were whisked off for tea and biscuits at home.  As an extra added touch, Mum and Dad had spent hours decorating Toby’s nursery in what was my old bedroom. It felt lovely tucking him into his brand new cot and saying goodnight where I had so many happy memories of my own.

It goes without saying that my son loved the extra attention and fuss that living with grandparents bought him. Every breakfast and dinner he had four familiar faces watching and cooing over him. If one person got a little sick of shaking the rattle, there were three other willing playmates ready to step in.

Smells like teen spirit

Being surrounded by people who you love and who love you in return is fantastic but where as I might have tolerated certain quirks in flatmates or friends, all tolerance seemed to go out the window as living with my parents unleashed some long forgotten teenage angst. Whether they were running late or retelling a (pointless) story from my youth, I had to practice deep-breathing techniques to stop myself releasing my inner teenager. These didn’t always prove successful.

I haven’t had any “difficult” discussions on the subject of money with my parents since I overspent on my Topshop store card back in the 90s, so it was a bit strange negotiating rent and bills payments over a glass of chardonnay. However, once we set up the money side of things things ran smoothly, although who has paid for what and the issue of who ate the most chocolate, (usually me) did occasionally rear its head.

Judgement day

As a relatively new parent living with old hands without recent practical experience, I did feel that sometimes my decisions as to what was best for my child were open to judgement. In our own home we had used the controlled crying technique to establish a routine for Toby, but leaving him to scream in someone else’s house (even your own parent’s) is a lot more awkward. My stress levels peaked after weeks of sitting at the family dinner table while Toby wailed from his new nursery upstairs.

Another problem we had anticipated was the issue of space. Babies are messy creatures that take over your home with a mix of colourful and bulky plastic items. Although it may be OKto run an assault course in your own front room, it was a lot harder in mum and dad’s, especially when my parents have plenty of stuff of their own. At times we all struggled to find a spare square foot to sit down in but sharing with others finally taught me to relax a little.

Village people

For the most part, our experience was a positive one but as my parents still work fulltime we didn’t benefit from as many nights out as perhaps we hoped for. On the other hand, just being in the same house meant I could easily nip off for a quick nap or shower, safe in the knowledge that Toby was being well looked after and adored.

Communal living isn’t for everyone but it is something many stressed out mums and dads should seriously consider if you want additional help while saving money, doing major renovations on your house or making an international move as we did.

My parents were my village and I am very grateful that they were around to share their home and help us raise our son.

Five things to consider when moving in with the folks

1.
Space – is there actually room for you to move in? Will you have to share a room with your little one and if so, are you prepared for that change?

2.
Noise – will your parents be able to hear every little thing, not just crying babies and toddlers but conversations with your partner, Sunday love-ins etc … Can you cope with this intrusion?

3.
Money – be clear about rent/food money/bills before you move in so you don’t have awkward conversations later on.

4.
House rules and expectations – be upfront about who does what jobs around the house so arguments about who hasn’t cleaned the toilet don’t ruin your weekend.

5.
Acceptance – face facts that you can’t always get on with everyone all of the time. Just enjoy it when you can, your little one/ones will love it!

Postscript: We spent two years living in the UK before returning to Australia, six months of that time was with my poor parents. Although we no longer have a village at our disposal, we happily have a granny annexe in our new home and we can’t wait for my parents to come over from the UK and stay with us.

www.laurajackel.com